I'm tired.

This last weekend I spent a very short 24ish hours at home...running errands, shopping for a dress for a wedding (yay! Only 4 more days till Paul and Torie tie the knot!), writing a 10 minute meditation that I gave very nervously the next day at a TEC gathering, hanging out with one of my best friends and my cat, and playing some awesome multiplayer Tetris with my brother barking orders from the kitchen while he cooked us 3 fabulous meals. :) What should have been a fabulously peaceful weekend was indeed, enjoyable...but it wasn't peaceful. I could not for the life of me get rid of the small voice of anxiety that gave me a spiritual twitch all weekend. I wanted a plan and I wanted to get items A through Q off of my to-do list. I'm tellin' ya, when the human makes a plan it all goes downhill...
This seems to be the common theme of my spiritual battle lately...and its wearing me down. Though sometimes, things really don't go the way I want and I'm consciously fighting with God about it, this weekend was just exhausting. I didn't even realize at the time that I was being so anxious and controlling (or grasping at the illusion of control anyway), and I didn't know what it was doing to me until I had spent a miserable Monday morning in class and work study. I have never been so mentally out of it and tired...and it has never been so difficult to bounce back from a weekend for me. It occurred to me that futilely fighting with the Master of the Universe feels deceptively like "exhausting one's self for the sake of the Kingdom" (a concept I used in my meditation the day before), a trick that I'm sure the Evil one uses to his advantage. The main difference is that my pride and brokenness fuels the former and inhibits the latter. Its just another hilarious bit of God's humor that the Kansas/Missouri weather these days is being equally deceptive...
In all seriousness though, I'm literally tired of being so stubborn. Some days, its funny when I argue with God and He answers with His omnipotence and makes things happen supernaturally. But in the long run, I'm tired of mistreating my best Friend with the sarcasm and flippancy that is characteristic of my human nature. I spent all weekend spinning my wheels, and for nothing. I got items A through Q off of my list, but at His pace and in His time. I certainly selfishly accepted those blessings without thanking Him, and becoming aware of all He does for my without even my acknowledgement shows me what a wretched sinner I am. Ouch.
I can only be humbled by the fact that God sent His only Son to die for me. That realization literally brings me to my knees its so cripplingly humbling (I'll never understand what Protestantism's issue is with "Catholic calisthenics;" we pray with our bodies...duh). And what's even better, He rose again, because He thinks I'm worth bringing to Heaven.  I don't know what He's thinking, but I guess that's the whole point of being human.
May you tire yourself in humble service to our Lord and Savior, not in foolish pride.
Peace and grace to you!