I'm letting go...

"...of the life I planned for me and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny. It feels like I'm falling and thats what its like to believe...so I'm letting go."

This song, by Francesca Battistelli has been haunting me of late. When I first heard it, I didn't really understand or appreciate it. The song has such an uplifting tune, full of promise and hope. It didn't seem to embody the gut-wrenching, painful experience that I usually associate with letting go and letting God. Abandoning my will to His seems more deserving of melancholy and a depressing funeral dirge...at least thats what I think while still desperately clutching my plans.
 I've been holding onto my own will in one aspect for almost two years, but finally letting go with my heart, my mind, and especially my will didn't cause the building I was in to come crashing down. It didn't cast me into the throes of depression. Letting go of what I thought was part of my future did not further obscure the path I saw myself on. Instead of seeing less of my way forward, I now see farther ahead than I have in quite some time. Instead of disappointment, I feel hope, and instead of seeing particular people or vocations, I see the One who really loves me. Here at last, was that sense of release that countless singers describe in their poetry.

"You say let it go, You say let it go.
You say if I lose my life, its then I'll find my soul..."
-Let it go, Tenth Avenue North

Tenth Avenue North and Francesca Battistelli do more than put these words to charming melodies. They communicate a joy that comes with embracing the Lord in all that He is, including His purpose for our lives. Paul says in his letter to the Romans that "all things work the good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." (Rom. 8:28) His purpose...not mine. These all follow the words Jesus spoke Himself: that "whoever wished to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me" and that "whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Mat. 17:24-25)
I know now that letting something go will take time, and its a process I have agreed to begin with Mary, the one who knows better than any of us how to let go. But I may now treasure the gifts I've been given, instead of grasping at them and trying to keep them from being taken away. And how many gifts have I been given! How many opportunities God will allow me to chase, once I drop the things I'm holding into His hands and follow the exciting path He has me on! I'm finding my life! And I'm finding it with joy!

Am I captivating?

John and Stasi Eldredge really know their stuff. In their book, Captivating: Unveiling the Mysteries of a Woman's Soul, they do...well, just that. They explore and describe what it means to be a woman: feminine and beautiful, and how we as women relate to the rest of the world, and more particularly, men. Though I could go on and on about how fabulous it is, and how accurately they portray a woman's soul...I will only say that reading it has rocked my world and made me realize things about myself that I never even thought about. John and Stasi say that both men and women, by their lives and actions, ask a question (of God and of people around us) that seeks the answer to the deepest longings of their hearts. For men, (as elaborated upon in Wild at Heart), the question is "Am I strong enough?" or "Do I have what it takes?" But for women, the question is "Do you find me beautiful...do you delight in me?"..."Am I captivating?" I would go into all the beautifully accurate, true reasoning behind these questions...but I would recommend reading the book instead of listening to my version of it...anyway.

As I have become aware of this question in my heart and daily life, I have begun to notice the answers I receive from those around me. A door held open for me is a "yes". A hand held out for me to hold is a "yes". A good listener with an open and accepting heart is a "yes". Even a quiet, friendly, one-armed hug is for me a HUGE "yes!" These gestures of compassion in my life speak to my soul as a woman. They say "Yes! You are a beautiful woman, created with dignity and priceless worth. You captivate me, and I cherish you." This message, sent to me so often through the good people in my life, is sent through them from my God Himself. He is speaking a love language to me that I have never recognized before. And its changing my life. I want to thank all those around me, who let God communicate His love through them. This last year, especially in the last couple of days, you helped answer my question. For that I am so grateful!

So how do you ask your question? How does God answer it in the people around you?
Peace and grace to you!