A Season of Waiting

Wait, wait, wait....I'm gonna go crazy if I have to wait much longer! Being up in KC while everyone else has been gone for two weeks...working at a place that makes me crazy when I'd rather be at home Christmas shopping with my mom and sister and talking skiing strategies with my brother...blegh. Waiting is torturous. It's also hard. There is literally nothing I can do to make time skip to Friday December 23rd at 2pm, when I get to point the nose of my little car toward Wichita, KS. It stinks that 2 weeks of my break have been spent waiting...especially because I'm wishing this time away.

Amidst all this frustration and boredom with a little loneliness mixed in, I think of Mary. Poor girl. All she could do after the Angel Gabriel's visit was wait.  She simply had to trust that the child growing inside her was the miracle she was promised. She had to trust that God (through Joseph) would take care of her as they were slandered and gossiped about by their neighbors. If I think about it, it may not have been until the shepherds came proclaiming their praise and confirming the news she heard from the Angel, that her "waiting" was over. 9 months of waiting. While pregnant. What have I got to complain about? I've got two weeks and no baby. No lost reputation in the eyes of my neighbors.

So, instead of wishing my time away, I'll wait with Mary, as She prepares to bring us the Savior of the World, the Prince of Peace, the newborn King of Kings. Yep. I'll wait with Her.
Merry Christmas!
Grace to you, and peace.

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us!

I got to daily Mass today only to realize that it was a Marian feast day! Hooray....I love Marian feast days...especially when I get on Facebook and realize that many of my friends are as excited as I am...
Not many people know this, but Our Lady of Guadalupe is one of my favorite apparitions for so many reasons:
1) The way cool story of Juan Diego, and Mary's direct intervention on the part of the Mexican people, barely ten years after the Aztec empire had been conquered, and the Spanish were trying to enforce Catholicism on them. Because of her appearance to poor Juan Diego (who was probably terrified at the prospect of appealing to the Bishop at Her request!), Mexico's people were no longer so disenchanted; they established an identity separate from the Spanish, and benefitted from the justice Mary sought for them.
2) When Mary appeared to Juan Diego, she had dark skin and dark eyes, was dressed in a common Aztec garment, and spoke in their native tongue. She claims all people as Her children!
3) Because of this, there is a cultural devotion to Our Lady that goes beyond religious affiliation. Even those of Hispanic ethnicity who may not be Catholic commonly show devotion to Our Lady of Guadalupe.
4) The miraculous scientific findings about Juan Diego's tilma with the image. They are SOOO COOL. I only can explicitly, accurately remember two...but there are so many more. For example, the "paint" used in the depiction of the image is unlike any man-made paint that exists.  And my favorite: Human eyes are unique from other animals' in that the pupil reflects what the eye is looking at. When the pupils of the image on the tilma were magnified, the shadowy figures in them exactly mirrored the positions of the people in the room where Juan Diego first revealed his cloak of roses (which do not normally grow in December!). CRAZY COOL!
5) Our Lady of Guadalupe is patronness of the Americas, which is appropriate as Father Curran pointed out today, because we are nations that have both extreme wealth and extreme poverty, and Our Lady stands as a proponent of justice for the poor.
6) And finally, I'm a big fan of Our Lady of Guadalupe because She is also patronness of the unborn, and a huge intercessor for the pro-life cause. Naturally, my passion in being pro-life has drawn me to this specific apparition of Her.

Pro-life patronage segues into the main point of my post....Mass. Today, the first reading was from the book of Revelation. I am very familiar with the passage about the Woman who covers the sun with twelve stars above Her head. She's pregnant and laboring to give birth right? So awesome, because that is what Mary's important for...giving the world it's Savior...yada yada yada...
But one little detail I've never had memorized was the description of the dragon.

"...it was a huge red dragon, with seven heads and ten horns, and on its heads were seven diadems. It's tail swept away a third of the stars in the sky and hurled them down to the earth. Then the dragon stood before the woman about to give birth, to devour her child when she gave birth."  ~Revelation 12:3-4

I don't know how many people know this, but the general statistic is that 1 out of every 3 pregnancies in America is terminated by abortion. Think about it. 1/3 of the generation conceived since Roe vs. Wade was legalized in 1973 was never born. A third of the stars in Mary's sky, a third of Her children, are silenced by the red dragon of abortion. Evil waits to attack those who are most innocent, most defenseless in our society. And the book of Revelation says it all. God knows. So does Mary.

I know that if you skip to the end of the good Book, you find out that Good wins, right? But what can we do in the meantime, to fight for those precious stars, those precious children of Mary?
Grace to you, and peace.

"You can't get there from here."

Fr. Curran started off an excellent homily this evening with this common expression, often referring to finding directions to a new destination. His point was that the statement is incorrect. Its more like..."you can't get there alone." And it makes sense. There are some places I could try driving to based on my own intuition and some simple direction from others...but unless I were a local Kansas Citian, I could not find it unless i had a navigator in the car with me (...ok, lets be real. There are lots of places like this.)

Fr. Curran's point though, was that, in a spiritual sense, the statement doesn't make sense either. And I totally agree.
 "You can't get there from here" implies that we have the capacity to get anywhere on our own, spiritually. And, it also says that there are places from which we can never get away, places from which we can never leave to find holiness or joy or peace. It implies that there might be sins that are too big to be forgiven, or that it is impossible to be a certain amount of holy in this world (if holiness were quantifiable).  All these statements are sooooo wrong.
Like Father said, "You can't get there alone."

"Behold, I am with you always until the end of the age." ~Matthew 28:20

And God does not mean for us to be alone. He is always with us. He sent His Spirit to be among us, the Church (Acts 2). He has been guiding us from the beginning.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you...have no fear before them, because I am with you to deliver you..." ~Jeremiah 2:5-8

And in this season of Advent, He is promising to enter our own humanity.

"'Behold, the virgin shall be with child and bear a son, and they shall name him Emmanuel,' which means 'GOD IS WITH US.' ~Matthew 1:23

For goodness' sake, Jesus' name means He is with us! How cool is that?
It was a kickin' homily.
Just sayin'. The president of our university rocks.

Take courage, when you feel that you can't get there alone. "You cannot go where God is not already, waiting for you."
Grace to you, and peace.

Tuesday of the First Week of Advent

Yay! It's Advent!

Ok, I won't lie. I have not before had the spiritual maturity to appreciate Advent in previous years. Maybe now its time...what a hopeful season. All the world awaits a Savior...me included. I think God's timing on this whole thing is quite perfect (uh...duh). I have reached a turning point in my spiritual struggles recently, which provides an excellent opportunity for hope. Tah-dah! First week of Advent, friend. God is good.

The message of hope came through so strongly today in the readings at Mass...
"On that day, a shoot shall sprout from the stump of Jesse, and from his roots a bud shall blossom...Then the wolf shall be a guest with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; The calf and the young lion shall browse together, with a little child to guide them...for His dwelling place shall be glorious." ~Isaiah 11:1-10

Father commented in Mass today about how beautifully versed this passage in Isaiah is. What tender, poignant images they bring us Gentiles, who are breathlessly anticipating the Love that is ours. Talk about poetry.
I agree, but I loved the psalm even more:
"Justice shall flourish in His time, and fullness of peace forever." ~Psalm 72
Justice...a concept we Americans tend to associate with ugly legal proceedings and cold, unfeeling court rooms. But justice is so much more...all the wrongs of this world will be righted when the King of Kings comes for His people. And the result being the fullness of peace forever...I like it. :) Peace is good.

Speaking of Mass....I'm totally in love with the New Translation. I cannot at present say which word changes stick out to me most...but the whole idea of being even more in communion with the rest of the non-English speaking Body of Christ is so exciting...even more cause for hope. Yay God.

May you find hope in this season of waiting. Grace to you, and peace.

At the Foot of the Cross

I got a new perspective on the crucifix in the little ill-used chapel in XL hall's basement last week. Despite the lack of use (except for studying) and the humility of it, with little decoration on the walls and few chairs, the space is a sacred one, and the crucifix in the center of the wall makes the little room sufficient for me to feel comforted or, at the very least, alone when I'm trying to escape the very small, busy, sometimes overwhelming world that is RU's campus.

There is an old altar in this chapel, but its never used anymore because Masses are not said down there. I always seat myself on the floor when I visit, in front of the altar, about 6 or 7 feet away from the crucifix. On this particular day last week, I left the lights off, quite literally dropped all of my stuff at the door (except my kleenexes...I definitely needed those) and collapsed onto the floor. It was one of those days: I had just been delivered a heart-wrenching piece of news, the kind that stops time, that makes the world stop spinning, that makes me wonder if things could possibly get any worse...so I did the only thing I knew to do. I took the piece of news and my broken heart into the chapel, buried my head in my arms, and I cried out to my God.

While sobbing into the carpet, I felt a sort of beckoning, and I looked up. I realized physically how far away I was from the crucifix, and it occurred to me that I had never been very spiritually close to the Cross before the recent hardships in my life before. And then I heard Christ calling me.

"Come suffer with Me. Please."

So I did. I crawled around behind the altar and sat in the dark, staring up at my Lord from the foot of the Cross. And there I discovered something.

In the midst of suffering, there is a calling. From Christ, directly to the center of our hearts. He calls us not to run away from the darkness, the pain, the horrors of this life. He calls us to run toward Him. To be with Him. I know in my head that Christ can be there for me, but it never occurred to me that I could be there for Him, as He suffered in His earthly life.

Christ did not just come to this Earth to suffer for us. He came to suffer with us. He came to share in the hurt we suffer at the hands of Evil, because He loves us. He did not suffer and die to take away our suffering. He came to give it meaning. Christ's Passion says something about how much He values us. It says: "You are so important to Me; You deserve better than to be attacked and hurt in this way. What has happened to you is wrong. It matters.  And I will do anything to be as close to you as possible. Even go through the same things you are going through, because I love you."

Wow. Entering into suffering, especially for someone else's sake, is soooooo...opposite of my own internal instinct. All I want is for pain and fear and shame to go away...we all know its easier to be joyful and to praise God when the sun is shining. But we are called to find meaning in even the worst and lowest parts of our lives, because even then our dignity is valued, when we are broken and struggling. Even then, God's love for us is infinite.

You see, suffering, hardship, failure, heck even discomfort is something Evil tells us to shy away from. He tries to get us to think that we deserve an easier road, a better life, more power to control our comfort level, more money, more, more, more. And when he gets the upper hand on us, we are tempted then to turn away from the God who "let it happen" to us, who "doesn't really care." But that is so wrong!

Christ doesn't wait for us to feebly offer Him our sufferings, so He can condescendingly pat us on the shoulder and be on His merry way. No. Christ waits to meet us where we are, to embrace and console us and to be embraced and consoled as He suffers too. There comes a point in a relationship with someone when you endure a struggle together, and it makes you stronger, and closer to the other. We love to give Christ everything in times that are good; why don't we share suffering with Him, and let Him share with us, in times that are bad?

May you grow closer to Christ...in all things.
Grace to you, and peace.

Yes.

Seriously. Whoa. This crazy radical mission statement was bestowed upon me by a fellow team member over TEC 130. I'm not sure how it struck anyone else, buuuuutttt its definitely posted above my bed, to be read daily. And I can't get over it, so I'm posting it here too.

Fellowship of the Unashamed

"I AM A PART of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I have stepped over the line. I won't look back, let up slow down, back away or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is in God's hands. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, the bare minimum, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, frivolous living, selfish giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, applause, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, the best, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith. I lean on Christ's presence. I love with patience, live by prayer, and labor with the power of God's grace.

My face is set. My gait is fast, my goal is Heaven. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, and my mission is clear.

I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up or slow up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up and spoken up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus. I am a Catholic. I must go until He comes, give until I drop, speak out until all know, and work until He stops me. And when He returns for His own, He will have no difficulty recognizing me. My banner is clear: I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed."

~Adapted from the original (author unknown) by Patrick Madrid.

WHOOOOAAAA. Again.
That is a tallllllll order. It serves simultaneously as an excellent examination of conscience, a bold mission statement, an awesome contract to be used to sign my life away, and a heck of a prayer to be offered to God as often and as wholeheartedly as possible. It's like...the tender, devoted loving of Mother Teresa meets the bad @$$ness of Joan of Arc. It's like..."Peace be with you" meets "I have come to bring not peace but the sword." It's like....awesome.

What does it mean to be part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed?
Grace to you, and peace!

Romans 12:12

"Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer."

I just needed a reminder of that verse...it sounds so simple.

If you asked me how my day was yesterday...at about 12:20 last night when I was desperately trying to get to bed before I got more upset, I would have told you it was awful. A testament to Evil's un-originality, when I get really tired, everything I didn't accomplish during the day, everything I'm unsure about, everything that I want to get done in the next 5 years (that I all of a sudden think I need to worry about now) comes rushing at me. Stress really sucks. Yuck.

But this morning I received a pleasant reminder from a friend about remembering the small things that make life worth living. So, to have some perspective, here are some great things that redeemed yesterday's passage quite remarkably:
1. I beasted through my Social Psych test. I was much better prepared than I thought. Cool!
2. I got out of the test early enough to make it to noon Mass. WHOA. I should stop right there.
3. I had an excellent lunch conversation with two friends about theology.
4. After that conversation, a gentleman sitting nearby grabbed my attention and told me he was listening in and that he was impressed. :)
5. I found my lost headphones, which is great because now I can listen to my new Matt Maher album!
6. Instead of trying to finish my homework in the hour and a half before it was due at night class, I scrambled into one of the new hammocks on campus and listened to my iPod (with my newfound headphones) and simply renewed my love for music for about 20 minutes.
7. The weather was GORGEOUS outside at this time. :)
8. After deciding to meet a friend for dinner, I managed to get out the hammock by rolling out of it onto the ground. Quite a feat. And very amusing.
9. CLC last night was GREAT. Instead of doing the meditation we had planned, we spent the hour talking about everything: theology, philosophy, psychology, politics, morality, government....literally everything. :)
10. I was able to spend some time at a friend's house talking about the little things of our lives before heading off to bed.

Why in the world would I have ever said yesterday was a bad day? Because Satan sucks, that's why. (Guardian angels, protect us!)

Remember the little blessings. There's a reason Romans 12:12 starts with REJOICE IN HOPE. It's what we should do first, and its what we should focus on while enduring in affliction and persevering in prayer.

Are you rejoicing in hope? If not, give it a shot. My entire day yesterday was turned around by those 10 small things. I have the feeling yours will be too. :)

Grace to you, and peace.

Let me stay and rest.

"I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, its ok..."

I was thinking this afternoon on my drive home that I haven't taken much time to really cultivate my friendships. I mean, I see great people that I love all the time. We get together when...we do homework. Or when we have a club meeting....I see my friends a lot! When I'm...en route the next to-do of my day and can only give them half of my attention and about 3 minutes of my time. The busy-ness of college life has struck. Hard core. When was the last time I sat with a friend or two in silence? Without stretching myself to come up with small talk or worse-homework complaints? What a serious oversight on my part. The nature of my busy-ness, however rewarding my classes and clubs, doesn't replace the good nature of fellowship...simply for the sake of fellowship.

As I mused on the severity of such negligence, I looked up from the top of my steering wheel...and BAM. Pink. Orange. Purple. Blue. And every shade of color in between completely exploded in my visual field.
God's timing is so perfect. He hovers in my sunbconscious, and then announces Himself in all His glory...in the middle of the Flint Hills at sunset.
And as if He thought that wasn't quite enough for a Kansas girl like myself, a song came on the radio that was so appropriate for His sudden, startling, overwhelmingly beautiful appearance in my conscious mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JK_6osCH74

"Word of God, speak, would you pour down like rain?
Washing my eyes to see...Your majesty.
To be still and know that You're in this place.
Please let me stay and rest
in Your holiness.
Word of God, speak."

Talk about romancing my heart...*thumpthumpthumpthump*

It occurred to me that I've been neglecting a more important Relationship as well. Its been quite some time since I went to adoration...simply to adore. It's been too long since I've noticed Christ's presence and simply sat at His feet. Like Mary. Instead, I've been bustling about and giving Him my to-do lists, like Martha. The absolutely fantastic thing about God is, He quietly accepts the to-do lists I shove on Him, chuckles a little, and waits. For the perfect moment to overload my heart and soul with Love, and affection, and....beauty. Sometimes God works quietly. Sometimes He works brilliantly. Sometimes He works mind-blowingly. Often, its a combination of all three and more. When was the last time I simply admired His multi-tasking abilities without putting them to the test?

Good food for thought. May you be still and know that He's in this place. May you stay and rest awhile...in His holiness. Not your holiness (or lack thereof, in my case.)

Grace to you. And PEACE.

Our Lady of Sorrows, Pray for us!

Ok, so as an officially registered member of the Militia of the Immaculata, I get an email every so often offering a short reflection from the rector of the National Shrine of St. Maximilian Kolbe. I got this one about a week ago and after taking time to read it, defintely appreciated it. What with the sufferings of the summer and how they carry into the school year, Fr. McKinley's words seem especially appropriate. Enjoy!

 

"Greetings from the National Shrine of St. Maximilian Kolbe

Dear Friends of St. Maximilian,

Summer comes to an end this month with Labor Day parades, barbeques, and the windup of vacation revelry.  I remember the carefree summers of my youth as some of the best days of my young life.   Unfortunately, for many people this year, it has been a summer of struggle, hurt and anxiety.   Here and abroad, too many of our brothers and sisters have borne the weight of a difficult economy, hurricanes and other natural disasters, hunger and hardship.   We enter the month of September with deep concern for those who are struggling.

In our concern, we remember that September is the month in which we honor Mary under the title Our Lady of Sorrows.   We honor her, who at the foot of the cross looks up at her beloved Son.  She in essence suffers a spiritual martyrdom in the passion and death of Christ.  She cannot take away the cross, only share in it.  He is not alone. Mary is with him at the foot of the cross. (John 19:25)

St. Maximilian wrote  “ … the poor, the weary, those who are bent under the burden of their worries, of their tribulations and crosses, are reassured in their certainty of not being orphans, of having a Mother who is aware of their suffering, who sympathizes with them, consoles them and helps them.  They know they will still have to suffer for a while, but that their reward will follow … [and] a comforting balsam descends upon the hearts, a ray of hope appears again in desperate souls...”

 It is never easy to suffer.  Yet, we can have courage and hope because we are not alone.  This month, make it a point to offer your prayers from the foot of the cross in solidarity with Our Lady of Sorrows and those who are alone, suffering or afraid.  In doing so, you will bear –if even just a little – the crosses of others.

Peace to you.

Fr. Stephen McKinley, OFM Conv.
Rector of Marytown – The National Shrine of St. Maximilian Kolbe"

St. Maximilian Kolbe, pray for us!

And, on the feast of Her birth, Mama Mary, pray for us!

A Sense of Purpose

The last two nights in a row here at school, during the first week of classes have not been filled with homework, but with fellowship. If this is the meat and potatoes of being an RA, I love it. I live in a residence hall, on a floor with a group of young women who are not strangers to me, but I won't presume to call them friends yet, because I'm not positive how they feel about me. However, I think they are all great! Its really neat that mine is the room where folks come in to sit down and chat, whether its because they need help with a rodent problem (not that that's happened, **cough, cough**), they're waiting on a friend to get ready, they need advice, or because they genuinely like me. Basically? My job is to be available to love and serve others. How much closer to the job description of a Christian can ya get?
I've spent the last few weeks becoming really aware of how I feel about what I'm doing. My classes, my job as an RA, the opportunities to grab meals with friends and chat, or better yet, listen. All these things bring me a sense of peace, longing and purpose. Its like I'm getting chances to discover my calling, my vocation. Its very cool. :)

In the last year I've noticed that I have a good capacity for listening to people, for trying to understand them and their stories. I have a knack for reading people and taking meaning from what they say, even if they struggle to communicate it. Being present to others, honestly communicating with them, building relationships based on trust and mutual respect? Its what I love. Its what I do. I'm relational to the core. God is showing me my talents, my gifts...and with those, my calling. I think these talents would be well-used in the field of psychology and likely, counseling. That's where I'm headed. Hopefully, if I'm wrong, He'll steer me in the direction of His choice. In the meantime, I'm following my passion with the sense of purpose in tow.

What do you love? What do you well? What brings you sense of purpose and longing? It is through those things that God is calling you. Chase after Him.

Grace to you, and peace.

I'm sick!

While he was at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat with Jesus and his disciples. The Pharisees saw this and said to His disciples,
"Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"
He heard this and said,
"Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. Go and learn the meaning of the words 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.'
I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.
~Matthew 9:10-13

All humans carry the stain of Original Sin. We all live in our brokenness, and often fall to temptation.
The different thing about Christians though, is that when we realize our sickness, our brokenness, we are willing to ask the Doctor for help. And He, in His infinite mercy, allows us to heal, and to dine with Him. :)

Grace to you, and peace. :)

Fight another day

I've been on campus for almost 3 weeks. Life has been a pleasant rate of busy. I have had very little free time, and what free time I have had remains full of tasks to be completed, in preparation for returning students (Yikes! They're gonna be here tomorrow!). Bulletin boards, door decorations, room condition cards, crisis management and conflict mediation training sessions...being semi-responsible for the safety and comfort of a group of college students requies much of me. But the Resident Assistant job I am preparing for really excites me. I mean, I'm essentially earning a free place to live while doing the things I love: building relationships and cultivating and enjoying community. God be praised for the opportunity to fully live and develop my passions, especially as they pertain to the career path I want to follow some day. Better said by a psychologist who spoke at one of our sessions at leadership camp:

"You will make the greatest impact [on your organization] with your strengths, your passions fully developed and fully lived, rather than your weaknesses marginally improved."

This really stuck out to me. We all know that we're our own worst critics. Even as I'm discovering passion for this job, the last two weeks have been pretty tough. My prayer life is nowhere near where it used to be, and I'm struggling to be open to God's will in my weaknesses, which have manifested themselves very clearly in the last 2 months. There have been times when I remember how hard this summer was, when I think about how lonely I am, and I get overwhelmed with how weak I feel. During one of my low moments at camp, I retreated to my room so I could be upset for a moment and collect myself before going back into the conference room. As is typical of these moments, I chewed God out, telling Him I didn't feel like I could do this. As is typical of Him and His goodness lately, He didn't really answer. As I continued to complain about my lack of spiritual consolation, I heard Him say something to the effect of "Suck it up, and deal with it."  This would have been much less comforting and much more damaging to my psyche, if it hadn't been said in a tone that sounded strangely like my mother's voice, when she's gently scolding me to get over myself.

Sometimes, its all I can do to remember to focus on my passion for what I'm doing, to play to my strengths, as they say. And I think thats what the quote above, (which I heard promptly after returning to the conference room that day) means. I can try as hard as possible to fix myself so I'm good enough/well enough to be an RA. OR, I can chase after the opportunity God has given me anyway, to live the passion I have, even if I don't feel capable of living it out. A few days later, I heard a song that communicates such a theme well.

"Do you feel the fire when the flame gets hot?
Are you living every day like its the last you've got?
Do you step aside when it all falls down, and watch it burn away?
Have a little faith when the walls cave in,
Pray for strength to fly against the wind.
Will you walk away when the fire gets hot, or fight another day?"

Addison Road-Fight another day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvT74QsGwOU

"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." ~2 Corinthians 12:9

May you chase your passions anyway, and gain strength from God to fight another day.
Grace to you, and peace.

Framily

Just a reflection on something that's been a daily part of my life for the last 2 1/2 years, something that has completely overhauled and remodeled my spiritual journey with Christ, and something I am pretty sure I cannot live without anymore. Thanks, God, for promising me such a beautiful gift. :)
I became a part of the TEC family on March 7, 2009. That meant I joined a community of people that started loving me right from the very beginnings of our friendships. They were kids that, along with me, realized we could truly live our Catholic faith with each other. We didn't have to hide it, or be embarrassed about it, and we could bring up God in a sentence without traumatizing anyone. In fact, bringing up God and being in relationship with Him and each other was what made our time together so fun and enjoyable and...life-giving. I made a group of friends with a real purpose: to get each other and the rest of the world to Heaven. Wow.
As some of my friendships through TEC really started to develop, I became part of a pretty tight-knit group that called itself "framily". The explanation behind the new slang term was "friends so close they've become like family." This group could easily have become a clique or something silly like that, but God's too smart and too good. The word slowly leaked out to include all of us who have joined the TEC family in the last couple of years, as well as those who were encountering Christ on the retreats long before the word ever surfaced. It is so amazing to hear people who are little more than strangers to me, say to new candidates: "Welcome to what we call the framily." Though I may not know the person using or receiving the title, it doesn't matter. What matters is that all of us know what it means.
Framily is more than just a big group of people who know and like each other. Framily is a group of people who have all had the change to encounter Christ in a similar way, and who have bonded with others through that experience. Framily is not exclusive membership into some private club, and those who might think so kid themselves in thinking that they even know what framily means. The people that framily is all about are not the originators of the slang term; they are three in One. They/He is/are completely in love with each of us. They/He has/have a bond with each one of us, and thats what makes us all family.

To share a little of my experience with the framily, I said 3 things: 1) its a daily part of my life, 2) its completely overhauled and remodeled my journey with Christ, and 3) I cannot live without it.

1) I do not go a day without thinking about and praising God for framily. They, their intentions and daily struggles are a daily part of my prayer life. I talk with many of them, I think about some of them a lot, and I am very often remembering and telling stories about past TECs, and preparing for future ones.

2) I've always known my faith was important, but my candidate TEC showed me that living my faith daily, passionately, obviously was possible. And I'm finding out that not only is it possible, its required, to get through this life, and to get to Heaven. Also, in this journey of life, these good people direct me on my path. They set excellent examples, they laugh and cry with me, and they always challenge me to become a fuller version of myself, to embrace a fuller and more perfect version of God's plan for me.

3) I say I cannot live without it. And that used to be the case. I (somewhat foolishly) used to think that, since I encountered Christ on TEC so powerfully, that was the only way for me to continue encountering Him. What a surprise to me, to be called out by a good friend (who is ironically not a TECer ;)) and shown that I can encounter Christ in ways that are not TEC. And I can share my faith through other things and avenues than forcing them to go on TEC (If I've overdone it in encouraging you to make a TEC in the past, I apologize. TEC is great, but I understand now that it may not be God's plan for you.). TEC has been the starting blocks for the race of my witness to Christ and faith journey, but this path will take many turns, some of them not TEC-related, and thats ok. :)
Having said all that, I will also say that I have a lot of passion for the TEC program. I have learned so much from it, I see a lot of good fruit being born from it, and I see that TEC is a huge opportunity for God to put people into my life that He wants me to love and serve.  I see that vision and part of the plan God has for me, and I will continue to enthusiastically share my joy for it with others. I said that I cannot live without it. But I amend that statement, and instead choose to say that I will not live without it.

I could talk for days on end about my personal journey with the framily. But I challenge you as well as myself to something better than just talking about the people with whom you've become good friends. Talk instead, about the Person who brought you to your own "framily". Whether you've been on a TEC or not, Who's face do you really see in your best friends? What/Who keeps you together, and blesses you endlessly, loves you perfectly, and is waiting breathlessly for you to be with Him in Heaven forever?
May you find yourself a group of friends so close, they've become family, if you don't have one. If you do, may your rejoice in God's goodness!
Grace to you, and peace.

More on Hope

"Lord, grant me the grace to Hope. To know in my heart that You have not only good, but the BEST in store for me. Help me to realize that, while counting my blessings is the joy of a grateful heart, assuming these blessings are as good as it gets is the sign of a prideful heart, and it means that I claim to know You and Your ways, and that I doubt Your promise that better things are coming. Give me the grace to always trust in that promise, and to know that You are Almighty God.
 Have mercy on me, Lord, and hear my prayer. Amen."

Back to the Future

One of my favorite movie trilogies…and the title is so appropriate. J

As people looking toward Eternal life, we understand that the gift of salvation is priceless: worth more than anything and everything we could offer God while here on earth. Our response to such a gift is zeal and passion for God’s life-giving love. We Catholics do not do good works to earn our Heaven, as so many mistakenly believe. We do good works in response to and thanksgiving for Jesus Christ’s having opened the gates to us freely. And one cannot be thankful for a gift one has not accepted. If we do not accept that God, and God only, can and will sweep us off our feet and carry us off to Heaven, our good works of thanksgiving are meaningless.

God is already waving free tickets to Heaven in our faces. We accept as graciously as our weak humanity can, and then we celebrate (Mass, prayers, good works…all the good stuff. J)

My point here being that Christians look to the future; our whole lives on Earth are caught up in the reality that we will someday be experiencing God fully among His angels and Saints. What an amazing reality to live and die for!

 And thus, the future is where evil tries to deter us.

“Be not afraid.”

I've been saying that lot these days. Hearing it a lot too. From friends, family members, from God Himself. And I've definitely needed to hear it and say it. Lots of stuff has happened in my life recently. Not stuff I'm either willing or yet able to bear my soul about on the internet; stuff that goes arm in arm with that paralyzing fear that knocks the wind out of me when I lay down to sleep at night. And I know for a fact that others are getting the wind knocked out of them too. I tell people and myself to trust God all the time, but when all I knew seemed to be literally falling apart about a week ago, I gained some new perspective on fear, and no longer dismiss how real and crippling it can be.
The thing about fear is that the things we fear are a very real part of our human condition. Evil exists all around us. We live in this world and are a fallen race. Many things that hurt and scare us are the difficulties we have created for ourselves as a result of our sin; other things have other-worldly influence behind them. It is not wrong or unnatural that we be alert to these things. We understand that they might pose a distraction, an obstacle to the future reality of Heaven, should we give them our undue attention. And that undue attention is fear. On the road to sainthood, these evils and distractions give us pause. We dig in our heels and stop to ponder. And fear takes over. We become consumed by how easily these things might stop us. From gaining peace, from joy, from eternal life in the future…and we forget that we’ve already stopped. We forget that we’re already holding the ticket to Heaven in our hands, because we worry about what should happen if something were to take that ticket away.

Stupid Satan. What a head trip. It doesn’t even make sense. Faulty logic!

The opposite of fear is hope. Like fear, hope looks to the future. But hope is when we barely give evil and distraction a head nod, and keep on trucking toward those pearly gates. Hope is realizing that none of the troubles of this world deserve undue attention, because that ticket to Heaven is in our hands, and that ticket is the sacrifice of Christ’s death on the Cross and His Resurrection and victory over death. Hope says to those distractions as we pass them by: “You don’t matter all that much. My future is bright, and nothing can stop me from getting there.” In other words, Philippians 4:13. Or Romans 8:38-39.

So the trick is to be not afraid. When we pause on the road to Sainthood, when we allow fear to bamboozle us, we make the decision to stop chasing God, many times without realizing it. The trick is to keep on trucking. Keep our eyes on the prize-Heaven. Keep on keepin’ on. Or, in other, more eloquent and less clichéd words,

“Be ever engaged, so that whenever the devil calls, he may find you occupied.” –St. Jerome.

I’m ready to get moving again, get past this fear. I’m ready to keep loving my friends, my family, strangers God brings into my life. These struggles I’m going through? Doesn’t matter what they are. They don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I have hope, because I’m on my way to a bigger, brighter, greater reality than I can imagine. I’m ready to get back to the Future. ;)

May you be fearless, and hopeful on this journey to Sainthood. Grace to you, and peace.

Peace, Joy, Humility, Love.

4 words to describe the last few weeks of my life. Very VERY blessed. Between the Cura Personalis conference I attended in St. Louis a couple weeks ago and the TEC retreat I served on, God has taught me so much. I could apologize for how long this post is, but I won't, because I really want to tell all of my story. So hang with me. :)

1) Peace. Something I realized I've not had much of since the school semester ended. I've felt rushed and overwhelmed from the very start of the summer. I kept trying to do EVERYTHING as soon as possible. Socializing with every single friend I hadn't seen in a long time, making commitments I didn't have time to keep, and when I did get the chance to relax at home, I was neglecting my family by being on the phone making more plans and calling more friends. But the chance to go on a silent retreat as part of the CP conference did so much for me. Once I abandoned distraction (which took almost a full day), I felt a lot of peace. The opportunity to simply be. Instead of making plans and time managing and trying to be productive, I relaxed, journaled, spent time with a solid group of strangers as we held silence in community. And I was able to just be with God.
I also found intervals of super profound peace while at TEC. We were blessed with the opportunity to have perpetual adoration for the duration of the retreat. During the three hour-long shifts I signed up for as a team member, and any extra time when I felt weary and tired, I struggled to pray and muster words to offer up. But God told me to simply be with Him, and that that was the prayer I needed to offer. I spent those 3+ hours at total rest: definitely not awake, but not quite asleep. I didn't think about anything, I couldn't move. I just laid in the presence of Christ in the Eucharist, something I've not experienced since I went to Steubenville almost 4 years ago. Awesome. :)

2) Joy. I sure got a bunch of this at CP. I've served several TECs, and know a lot of people through the community I've found there. But CP was great because I got to meet new people again, this time from all over the country. People from 10-ish Jesuit universities who shared unique experiences within the common thread of student faith-sharing groups at a university level. It was so inspiring to mingle with Christian college students who were all serious about leadership in service of the Gospel. I was completely surrounded by the cream of the crop. There were lots of joyful people there, people who don't take life too seriously, people who hold hope for the future. It definitely rubbed off. :)
On CP, I discovered I genuinely like meeting new people, but I also found soooo much joy on TEC 128, where I spent the weekend serving with a group of teenagers that love Christ. And I don't just mean that they like to pray every once in awhile and sing at Mass. I mean, they LOVE Christ. Fully. Passionately. Deeply. Amidst the presence of such True Love, this wheat crew, most of whose members I was familiar with, but didn't know on a deeper level, exuded such abiding joy that was amazingly infectious. Whether it came from the countless hugs I received, or the deepened friendships I gained, or the million adoration chapel visits, or the hilarious songs made up to the tune of "Hey there, Delilah" at 1am, or the Holy Spirit summonings, or even the many, many hands I held (I LOVE holding hands...such a beautiful sign of affection to me :) ), I was absolutely filled with joy. I cried that weekend. Like A LOT. I heard a quote on CP that perfectly described and carried over to TEC 128:
"When your heart is full, your eyes overflow." 
And overflow they did. So joyful. :)

3) Humility. Something I have always struggled with. I get selfish often, and when I get selfish, everything gets difficult. For myself, for others. God's plan trips me up so often and frustrates me so because of my pride and selfishness. Well, lucky for me, God warned me about what I was coming up against. When I expressed my uneasiness about the coming trip to St. Louis, He told me that the coming weeks would be an opportunity to grow in patience, in humility.
"I want you to examine your heart this week. You have more burden to lay down and more to work on than you think you do."
Ouch. But, like always, He was right. I had a lot to sort out...and more than I thought I did. I got to SLU with a mental checklist of things to think about. God allowed me to think about them. But He also let loose a couple of lessons that I had been needing to learn for quite some time, about TEC, about CLC, about some of my friendships. I was very humbled. I grew so much in understanding by simply listening to God's whisper, and watching His plan unfold in front of me. It was, in a word, beautiful.  Once I sat back and let God lead me, I was graced with the openness for humility. That is not a prideful statement, but a genuine one. When I was tempted to be frustrated, my heart was opened to the knowledge that God had a purpose in mind for each circumstance, no matter how silly it made me look, or how completely incompetent I was.
 That grace stuck with me as I left St. Louis, when my car broke down on the way home, when the credit card system at work shut down, when my cash register was $20 short, when my hair wasn't behaving itself, when the bookmarks I worked so hard to make fell apart when I got to TEC. Its like I was given foresight by the Holy Spirit: the chance to respond graciously to potentially difficult circumstances, without the frustration and pointless anger. Those responses were DEFINTELY not of me. Definitely a God thing. They made my service as wheat crew assistant director a lot easier to swallow. Fellow wheaties asked me questions I didn't know the answers to, small things like the bookmarks didn't turn out, it took me twenty minutes to figure out how to copy and paste on a Mac computer, I had to forego precious sleep and (a little) hygiene to make sure all that needed to be done was done. I can't really say how I did with being humble, but I can definitely say that I was given the grace to recognize when I was being humbled. :)

My explanations keep getting longer. And this one's the longest because it ties it all together. (Haha, unintentded Scripture reference: 1 Cor 13:13.)
4) Love. Before I start with CP and TEC, I should preface a bit. The word love stuck out to me about 6 months ago when one of my friends was talking and she said this:
"I love. It's what I do."
That simply reality echoed in my head so much I wrote it down and stuck it on my wall for the remainder of the school year. Sara's words also resounded in part of a poem by St. John of the Cross:
"...I've no flock any more,
no other work in view.
My occupation: Love. It's all I do."
This was one of those things where God messes with me a bit and plops a problem in my lap or a thought in my head with a short comment like: "Don't worry about this now. We'll get to it later!" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) I envision these problems/thoughts/anomalies as pieces of notebook paper. I've crumpled them up, and the paper ball must be unfolded, so that I can understand what God's telling me. I also imagine gripping these things of life in my hands with my fists clenched. If I were to open my hands to God's purpose, and let go of the things I selfishly want, I'll find peace, joy, humility...
So, I headed to St. Louis with my fists clenched, notebook paper freshly crumpled. After God's warning (see humility paragraph), I saw these images I had of my understanding of Love and I knew that they would have to change, especially as I would soon be called to serve God's children on a TEC retreat, and as I entered a new dating relationship. But those two callings were precisely what my paper was so crumpled up about. The conference was supposed to be about CLC. Was I supposed to be praying for the upcoming retreat and for my boyfriend? Why did it seem that if I chose to pray about TEC or about my significant other, that I was shorting CLC, an equally important commitment I had made? Most importantly, why did it hurt when I chose TEC over other things, even though TEC is such a powerful instrument of God's work in my life? I had clenched my fists and crumpled my paper a week or so earlier when someone made a comment to me:
"It's like TEC is your Catholicism...I don't want that come between us."
It was at CP when I brought this up that God whacked me with a Holy Spirit 2x4, one that TECers might understand better than most people.
"'No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other'(Mat 6:24). You have made TEC the master of your life, April. TEC was a huge experience for you...but other things can bring you to Me in a way that TEC cannot. And that's ok."

Wow. That conversation was beyond profound for me. I humbly realize that I've been living with the idea that one part of my life (TEC, obviously) has to capture all of my passion, and that I have to stretch that passion to include all the other parts. I would always compare spiritual experiences to TEC and find them wanting. I'd think about how I related to non-TEC friends as compared to how I related to TEC friends. I made myself feel guilty about liking CLC less than TEC, and wishing I was with my framily when I was with friends at Rockhurst. All those judgements, those choices I forced myself to make, were pointless and hurt my concept of Real Love. How silly it seems now. I enjoy CLC. I love my TEC family. I love the person my boyfriend is. I am satisfied by the things I'm involved in at school. And I cannot judge their good for me by a standard that is not God's. I cannot compare one good to another and decide that one is wrong for me, or that I must choose one and forego another. God has brought ALL these blessings to my life, and it is not my place to deny one and accept another. After all, when you are given a gift, who are you to decide the conditions upon which you will accept it? (Borrowed Theology of the Body idea.) TEC is an excellent program, and it will continue to capture a lot of my passion, but it is not my standard. It is not what determines where I find Real Love. Where I give it. How I give it. I can grow closer to Christ through TEC. But not because its the only way for me to encounter Him. I can find Him anywhere, everywhere. In fact,
"God must be found in all things." -St. Ignatius of Loyola
Talk about very profound and awesome.  These threads of understanding about love lingered in my heart as I left for TEC 128; my notebook paper ball was no longer a ball, but not quite a smooth, flat sheet of paper. My hands relaxed a little, but I still had my own meager understanding of love enclosed in my fingers. It's like I needed a solid, single sentence answer from God about all these musings I had wandered through while in silence at St. Louis University. Well, God is good and that single sentence came.
 Before the TEC weekend began, God said this:
"This weekend, I want you to love fully. Deeply. Passionately."
And so I took a deep breath, and said "Ok." Not quite as graceful and eloquent as Mary's Fiat, but I know She's the only one who managed to get me to squeak that out.
Anyways, when the time came for me to love in the way God was calling me, I hung back. I hesitated. I said I was scared. "I'm still trying to protect my heart...I don't want to do this out of selfishness...I don't know how to do this...I am afraid." What if I chose to love in this way, and no love was left for the other people in my life? I didn't think I could manage to muster up all that Christ was calling me to give. If I emptied myself completely, what would remain for me to give to others after the weekend? What if someone else deserves the love I have to give more?
And God gave me that single sentence. And He re-stated it in that beautiful passage from the New Testament.
"Love does not compete."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (1 Cor 13:4-8)
Though I can barely hope to someday understand the love in Mary's heart when She told the angel Gabriel that She was the Lord's handmaid, I can thank Her for the opportunity to feel the love that gushed forth from my heart when God told me that Love does not compete. Loving someone means that you forget any selfish motives you have for doing so. Loving someone means you give them exactly what they need when they need it, no matter what another person might think. Real Love for a particular person does not affect the Love you have for someone else. Real Love does not force you to choose between two good things in your life, because the God who is Real Love does not and will not take your ultimate good away from you.
"All things work for good for those who love God...for I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord," -Romans 8:28

I don't have much more to say except these two things:

"My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my savior. For He has looked upon his handmaid's lowliness...The Mighty One has done great things for me...holy is His name." -Luke 1:46-49

Blessed be God.
Blessed be His Holy Name.
Blessed be Jesus Christ, true God and true man.
Blessed be the name of Jesus.
Blessed be His Most Sacred Heart.
Blessed be Jesus in the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar.
Blessed be the Holy Spirit, the paraclete.
Blessed be the great Mother of God, Mary most holy.
Blessed be her holy and Immaculate Conception.
Blessed be her glorious Assumption.
Blessed be the name of Mary, Virgin and Mother.
Blessed be Saint Joseph, her most chaste spouse.
Blessed be God in His angels and in His Saints.
Here's to hoping that these 4 words, these virtues I've found in the last couple weeks may continue to grow in my life, and in yours.
Thanks for listening to my story. Grace to you, and peace.

April, come back!

Hey guys....I realized I have kinda fallen off the blogging map these days. Thought I'd check back in and give a few short updates on life...although as late as it is, they do actually have to be short. I've got a big prayer weekend ahead of me. :)

1) Perhaps most importantly (at least to me), I am in a dating relationship with a wonderful young man I met through a mutual friend. This probably doesn't sound like much, but after having been single for almost 3 years...thereby skipping out on the casual dating mess of the first couple college years, It feels like I'm doing this whole courtship/serious dating thing for real. I feel my heart coming alive. It's so awesome to truly invest in someone's friendship and to take mutual interest in helping it grow, and taking it to God to see what He'll do with it. Happiness. :)

2) I spent an entire week at St. Louis University at a Cura Personalis conference. CP means in a few short words: "care for the whole person," one of the Jesuit core values. Part silent retreat, part intense workshops for the betterment of Christrian Life Community groups on Jesuit university campuses, this conference rocked my world. I learned so much...I don't even know that I've recognized or absorbed all I've learned yet. That is still to come. I'm hoping that soon I'll be able to comprehend and express some of my findings in a more coherent form than the chicken scratch that is my journal.

3) Once again, working at good ole' Dillons for the summer. This time though, they've trained me up out in the gas station-officially termed "Fuel Center"-so I have more responsibility and a lot more room for mistakes. If that doesn't frustrate and stress me out, I don't know what does. **heavy sigh** But its teaching me a lot about what I do in my idle-ness. Between setting up pre-paid gasoline orders and placating cranky customers with cigarettes, I have to find something to do. Attempting to pray amid distraction, the kind of music I choose to listen to, how obsessed I am with checking my phone...its very interesting to reflect on my actions.

Well, those are  the 3 biggest things on the radar so far. More to come, I'm sure. In the mean time, here's a tasty tidbit to reflect on when worrying about God's will.
"God is the slowest person I know Who's always on time."

Grace to you, and peace!

My poor roommate.

I played a song for my dorm-mate, and we've both had it stuck in our heads the last couple days. Sorry Kara...but its sooo good!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3HwFtdVTfM
Crazy Girl-Eli Young Band.

So, 10 reasons I love this song:
1) Of course, its a sappy-sweet love song that my womanly heart can't get enough of! **sigh**
2) I've never listened to Eli Young Band before, but I really like the singer's voice.
3) The video's funny. Totally goes with the play on words.
4) Part of #3. It's a play on words... "Crazy girl, don't ya know that I love you?....I love you like crazy, girl..." I love puns. :)
5) "Before you ever came along, I was living life all wrong. The smartest thing I ever did was make you all mine." I like songs that value women; those songs that say how precious a woman really is to the heart of a man. :)
6) It's original. The play on words really puts a playful tone to the lyrics, even though its sound is more like that of your typical lovey-dovey country song.
7) "We're gonna have a fight or two...I wouldn't dream of goin' nowhere." This song speaks of fidelity, an attractive (necessary) quality in a romantic relationship.
8) My absolute favorite line: "Silly woman, come here, let me hold you." If I were ever upset and in tears, I would simultaneously laugh, feel better, and my heart would melt a little (Ok, a lot) if someone said this to me.
9) I had a conversation with someone about this song. He didn't like the line I listed above because it seemed like calling a woman "silly" was disrespectful. Though I understand his meaning, it just makes me like the playful tone of the song all the more. And it showed me how awesome the guy really is. :)
10) When I sing the refrain to myself, I imagine God singing it to me...and this already awesome song is made like, 102848303 times better. :)

PS-I'm so glad to be home for the summer. I can hardly believe its here...what do I do with this? Lead me, Lord.
May our Lord lead you to good music and another blessed summer! Grace to you, and peace.

Drat.

Well, its 3:24 a.m. at the moment...I have had some whopper-esque ideas for blog posts since Easter. About the third Sorrowful mystery. That one's a doozy. Or about having my heart romantically pursued by God. I'm feeling swooned as I think about it...but all I can focus on is this stupid zit. In the most obscure place on my face...right next to my lip. Normally, I save weird acne placement for super-stressed, very hormonal times. But after this fabulous dead day before finals, I am definitely not stressed. Blegh. Acne. Can I get a Amen?
Obviously, I could be doing more normal things at this hour instead of obsessing over my face...like sleeping, (which might restore my hormone balance a bit). But, like the silly human I am, I choose to (attempt to) debate with God instead. You see, He and I are going around and around again on this thing called beauty. The world will tell me, in VERY uncertain terms, the same thing John Eldredge says in his book Captivating: "The essence of a woman is Beauty...Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman..."

Well, crap, God. Thanks a lot. By definition, I am a failure at life because of this stupid zit.
Buuuuttttt, God nudges me to keep reading.
"'Beauty captivates the senses in order to obtain permission to pass straight through to the soul...'"
Ok, soo...?
Keep reading.
"'The soul's inclination to love beauty is the trap God most frequently uses in order to win it.'"
Ok, God, but you're forgetting the part about the zit on my face. I'm not-
Keep reading.
**sigh**
"A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that He finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in Him, she is enough." 
Ahhh, yes, well....

And so it goes. God sees the acne-covered, overweight, greasy-haired, smelly-footed people we sometimes are, and He loves every bit of us. He sees the prideful, pathetic, broken, infuriating people we sometimes are, and He loves every bit of us. The beautiful messes He created are the tools He's using to build His kingdom. They (we) are the mirrors with which other people see Him, and all His beauty and glory. Now isn't that something? I'm feeling prettier already.
Do you believe you're beautiful? Or are you focused on your odd acne placement? If you can't get away from your mirror, maybe take a long look at the mirror inside God's heart. He'll show you how beautiful, how captivating you really are.
Grace to you, and peace.

Lent thus far

Hmmm...so I kinda cringed when I looked back on this Lent. Though I would say that I did grow spiritually, it was in ways that I didn't expect (isn't that about par for the course?) And I did not hold myself to my Lenten fasts and lofty goals for personal prayer like I had hoped. I definitely realize the cost that came with my laziness. However, I am trying to look at it in a new light: I am trying to not focus on keeping God's Law on the outside like the Pharisees, but what is really more important-keeping God's Law and Love in my heart, and trying to accept and embrace it more. Here's a short conversation He and I had this afternoon...

Me: I realize I didn't keep to any of my resolutions for Lent this year.

God: I know that, dear. You still have much to learn about devotion, and discipline. So many more graces will be yours when this happens. But I have still managed to work in you during this season haven't I?

Me: Yes, Lord. I learned at least a little bit more about offering wheat and sacrifice. But it's so humbling, Lord. And very very hard. I know that I am weak. But I always wish I could suffer joyfully, like the Saints. Will You grant me the grace to do so?

God: Of course, My dear. But think about what you are asking of Me. By asking for the grace to suffer joyfully,  you also ask for such an opportunity to suffer, so that I may pour that grace upon you. Don't lose heart when this opportunity arrives. The first step to suffering joyfully is to realize that I Am the One allowing it. I also Am the One who sees you through it.

**Insert Lightbulb flash above April's head in the chapel**
Me: Yes, Lord. Whenever You grant my requests, I always curse my luck...when no such thing exists. Help me to always recognize Your Hand and Your Will in all things.

Amen to that!
Grace to you, friends and peace!

To know His will, or to do simply it?

This is gonna be fun. Stick with me...I promise its not just "bathroom" humor. **snicker, snicker**

Imagine you get out of bed in the middle of the night to find the bathroom. Though you cannot see clearly the familiar hallways or the doorways that lead to other bedrooms in your own house, you MUST make it to the bathroom. Ignoring the urge is not an option. In this situation,
Happy ending=you, in the bathroom, with an empty bladder and a peaceful feeling.

Ok, laugh a little at this absurd allegory. But, after you're done chuckling, go back to the moment when you wake up because nature calls. You might be slightly disoriented because you cannot see an inch in front of you in the dark, so what do you do?
1. I imagine you might have a floor plan of your house on your night stand to clearly show you the path to the bathroom. (You are about 1 in 89390238580230498304 if you do.) 

2. Or, you could grab your phone (which more probably IS on your night stand) and call your parents, who have better knowledge of the house than you do, and ask them to direct you to the bathroom from your bedroom. This course of action would allow you to make it to your destination with fewer embarrassing bumps into the walls and also, fewer entries into the wrong doorways than if you simply charged ahead without assistance.

3. The first two options are a bit superfluous. This is YOUR house. You know it, and you know that the tools that will enable you to get to the bathroom are available: stairs, doorways, your feet, your experience of your house. And the tightening feeling in your bladder is enough to motivate you to seek the bathroom, and to follow through until you reach your destination.

So why should you be embarrassed by bumping into the walls? Everyone else in your house is asleep. And why should it matter if you enter the wrong doorways? Just because you accidentally venture into your sister's room doesn't mean you can't retreat and re-orient so you head the right direction. And who will judge you for HOW you got to the bathroom, so long as you make it there successfully?

I understand that this story is awkwardly long and seems to go on a tangent. But put yourself in this story and make a couple of changes:
1. Floor plan of the house=exact plan for your life.
2. Phone=Prayer
3. Parents=God
4. Bumps, scrapes, wrong entries=attempts at following God's will
5.YOUR house=this world...God's world.
6. "Gotta go" feeling=call to holiness
7. Bathroom=Heaven

Make these switches and ask yourself the questions again. What's your journey with God shaping up like? Do you HAVE to know His will? Or do you simply have to do it, and trust that He will lead you to your final destination, regardless of how many mistakes your make or what kind of route you take to get there?

"We must never come to believe that we have all the answers. Though the answers are all available to us, no one is ever in full possession of them. God will continue to humble us, to remind us that we're children, by allowing us to fall and to find ourselves without the right answer at the right moment. He'll even permit this when we are, ostensibly, working for His good cause." ~Scott Hahn

Enjoy this ridiculous metaphor...hope it brings you some insight. Grace to you, and peace!

Excellent Emotional Chastity blog!

Carmen Marcoux (author of 2 fantastic books about purity and relationships, Arms of Love and Surrender) put this blog up today that I just love! It's about Emotional Chastity, which might seem like a completely foreign concept...but its so fundamentally important to romance that it needs to be understood by those of us discerning our vocations. She found a blog post by another woman that explained emotional chastity really well...enjoy!

http://www.courtshipnow.com/blog/

Trust: It's hard and it hurts.

So during Mass and more specifically, the excellent homily this evening, God asked me: “What do you want?” The word that came to my mind was: “Trust.” And then Jesus scoffed at me a little, and rightly so. He and I have had several talks about trust. This weekend, I came up with two feeble reasons for why I struggle to trust God.

1) Trust is hard…especially trusting in God. I always, always always ALWAYS think my plans are pretty fullproof. So why do I need to trust God? I got this. But obviously after re-reading my blog posts, this reason is a pride thing…and my plans suck compared to His. AND…didn’t Christ have it hard when He had to carry that heavy wooden cross up the hill?

2) Trust hurts…especially when its damaged. I’ve been betrayed before, and I can think of few other things that hurt more than feeling betrayed. But when I stammer about my overwhelming suffering, Jesus noted that these sufferings come as the result of human failings, not His. In addition, he pointed out the hurt He suffered physically during His passion. And if I’m still not convinced, He reminds me of the hurt that I can relate to at least a little better: the hurt He suffered in His heart. His friends and followers spit on Him and cursed Him on the way up to Calvary; by then His bestest best friends had long since deserted Him. I thought my experience with betrayal was awful, but I cannot imagine the magnitude of the painful ache in His heart.

Anyways, as I contemplated this hardness and hurting of Trust, Christ seemed to say to me: Why don’t you trust Me? I will never let you down. You have never been hurt by my failings, because I have never failed you, and I never will. You will never need to trust in broken humans who fail you, so you won’t hurt. First argument fails. Secondly, trusting Me in everything you do may seem hard, but why should it be? If you have faith in Me and I promise to protect you (which I obviously have), who can stand against you? (Romans 8:31) If you have My purpose behind you, you can do anything. (Philippians 4:13) So the things you must do may be hard, but trust won’t be hard either. Second argument fails.

So in conclusion, the Master of the universe makes for a very convincing logician. I’ll have to process this some more. But I do want to trust. And that’s a start.

"Loving Father, grant me the grace to trust You, in all things."

May you humbly, completely trust your God, the One who will always love you.

Grace to you, and peace!

Accepting the Cross

FIrst of all, theres a reason for this ridiculously long blog post. I could have cut out the first 2 paragraphs and skipped to the good stuff, but I haven't really talked about this, like ever. So in addition to some pretty cool theological realizations, I'm doing some unloading thats been long in coming...say 12 years or so.
July 28, 1998-I was diagnosed with Type I diabetes. I was 7 years old. Though it was at the very least, an interesting experience spending several days in the hospital and taking classes on how to eat and manage my blood sugar, I accepted this new turn of events into my life easily. Call me a psych major, but I think young minds accomodate tumultuous news with much less emotional backlash than adults, because they haven't really become their own person, with their own unique feelings and routines of life. (For that matter, they also aren't used to being stubborn and asserting their will against God's yet. See Romans 11...part 2 of this post will come later on.) I theorize that this is why diabetes was not super traumatizing to me...but then again, maybe it more latently affected me than I used to believe.
Growing up, I'd get angry when a high blood sugar would put the kaibosh on dessert after supper, or when a low blood sugar meant I couldn't start in the basketball game in fifth grade, but as I hit high school and started "taking care" of myself, I thought less and less about my disease. It sounds totally oxymoronic (and it was), but I almost never gave a second thought to my health. Unbeknownst to most people, diabetes is a daily series of many, many choices; virtually everything I choose with regard to food, exercise and my schedule has consequences that affect me within hours. I tried to make these choices as best as I could with as little effort as possible; this often meant I'd sacrifice a day of good blood sugar concentration for one poor food choice. I didn't think about the choices I made when I made them...it was only after I suffered the consequences that I realized my poor decision making. For example, instead of potentially embarrassing myself and leaving class to take my insulin because I forgot it in my locker, I'd just sit through class and feel awful the rest of the day. I still do that: I've been doing it since I started college and have the least amount of control over my diabetes that I've ever had. Crisis managment style is not a good way to approach diabetes. But despite my bad test results these last two years (the nurses at my doctor's office promptly scold me every 3 months) I didn't really think about what my long-term state of health meant...until just recently.
Like I said, diabetes has been a real roadblock this last year...when I think about it. And I generally only think about it when my blood sugar is 300+ and I feel awful...and I generally only know what my blood sugar is when I test it because I don't feel right (definitely a BAD habit...I should be taking it 4 times daily to track it to make more informed decisions about eating and exercise and such...). A couple weeks ago, I was really upset because I noticed (Finally!) that I had been having the same blood sugar problems at the same time of day consistently. It didn't matter that I adjusted my insulin dosage a little; I still didn't make a good enough choice each day to combat that problem. Note: When I'm upset, I generally rail at God a bit, and then ask Him to help me.  But for the first time in 12 years, I actually prayed about my diabetes. Not to toot my own horn, but I've always known to ask God for help when I don't know how to handle a problem. But I kid you not, it NEVER really occurred to me to ask God what His purpose was for my diabetes. That's some serious oversight on my part, friend. Ouch.
So, this recent conversation with God about diabetes has been floating around in my subconscious-He didn't give me an answer I understood at the time. This weekend, a couple of friends and I were talking about how connected and holistic each part of a person is: physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual. And the idea of suffering spiritual attack through physical sickness came up...and bam. There it was.
It has always seemed to me that my health was never something to pray about. The two spheres of my life, my physical health and spiritual faith had no contact as far as I knew. Why pray about it? Its something God has given me, move on...Ah, but wait! I have recognized that it is God who has given me diabetes...but before I move on, I must explore what it means for me to have this disease.
Gosh darn it, how easily and effectively has Satan hidden this from me! One of his biggest and best weapons against humanity is to scare us away from suffering. No way should we accept that heavy, horrible cross, he tells us. It can do no good for us! Suffering is nothing but a petty annoyance that God chooses to bother us with, even if we are aware that He loves us. What a lie..and I've bought it hook, line and sinker. How easily he has hidden my cross from me: by not letting me see my diabetes in a spiritual context and as part of the bigger picture of God's plan. Though not fully understanding my health this way hasn't exactly torn my spiritual life apart, I now see that it has held me back. I've always shied away from meditating on Christ's passion and really truly contemplating the meaning of suffering. Before now I could never have said why, I just felt that it was an area of spirituality I'd eventually get to when I was more mature. However, now I see an opportunity to offer more of myself to God, through my low blood sugars, through my tiredness when its high, through the headaches of quick blood sugar recovery, through the annoying pains of finger pricks and insulin shots. This new state of mind turns my frustrations and sometimes despair into excitement and joy: I have been blessed indeed with a chance to unite my (meager) sufferings to Christ's on the cross, to grow closer to Him and take others with me. The only thing that has held me back is recognizing the chance to accept my diabetes, to take up my cross and follow Him. WHOA.

"Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:10

"Whoever wishes to come after Me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me." ~Matthew 16:24

I really hope that made sense, because it just kind of tumbled out. 12 years of not thinking and little practice really screws up your eloquence...and there's more to come, after I refine the rest of my ideas.
Grace to you, and peace!

I'm tired.

This last weekend I spent a very short 24ish hours at home...running errands, shopping for a dress for a wedding (yay! Only 4 more days till Paul and Torie tie the knot!), writing a 10 minute meditation that I gave very nervously the next day at a TEC gathering, hanging out with one of my best friends and my cat, and playing some awesome multiplayer Tetris with my brother barking orders from the kitchen while he cooked us 3 fabulous meals. :) What should have been a fabulously peaceful weekend was indeed, enjoyable...but it wasn't peaceful. I could not for the life of me get rid of the small voice of anxiety that gave me a spiritual twitch all weekend. I wanted a plan and I wanted to get items A through Q off of my to-do list. I'm tellin' ya, when the human makes a plan it all goes downhill...
This seems to be the common theme of my spiritual battle lately...and its wearing me down. Though sometimes, things really don't go the way I want and I'm consciously fighting with God about it, this weekend was just exhausting. I didn't even realize at the time that I was being so anxious and controlling (or grasping at the illusion of control anyway), and I didn't know what it was doing to me until I had spent a miserable Monday morning in class and work study. I have never been so mentally out of it and tired...and it has never been so difficult to bounce back from a weekend for me. It occurred to me that futilely fighting with the Master of the Universe feels deceptively like "exhausting one's self for the sake of the Kingdom" (a concept I used in my meditation the day before), a trick that I'm sure the Evil one uses to his advantage. The main difference is that my pride and brokenness fuels the former and inhibits the latter. Its just another hilarious bit of God's humor that the Kansas/Missouri weather these days is being equally deceptive...
In all seriousness though, I'm literally tired of being so stubborn. Some days, its funny when I argue with God and He answers with His omnipotence and makes things happen supernaturally. But in the long run, I'm tired of mistreating my best Friend with the sarcasm and flippancy that is characteristic of my human nature. I spent all weekend spinning my wheels, and for nothing. I got items A through Q off of my list, but at His pace and in His time. I certainly selfishly accepted those blessings without thanking Him, and becoming aware of all He does for my without even my acknowledgement shows me what a wretched sinner I am. Ouch.
I can only be humbled by the fact that God sent His only Son to die for me. That realization literally brings me to my knees its so cripplingly humbling (I'll never understand what Protestantism's issue is with "Catholic calisthenics;" we pray with our bodies...duh). And what's even better, He rose again, because He thinks I'm worth bringing to Heaven.  I don't know what He's thinking, but I guess that's the whole point of being human.
May you tire yourself in humble service to our Lord and Savior, not in foolish pride.
Peace and grace to you!

Loneliness vs. Solitude

I realize how ironic it is, but I promise I did not write this post as a result of the day/night I put it up…I am single this Valentine’s day, but I am joyful because I know that Jesus’ Sacred Heart burns with love for me…and that beats chocolate and flowers by a landslide (like KU this evening. Ha.) Anyways….

            What is the difference between loneliness and solitude? At first glance, they seem to mean the same thing: being or feeling distant from those around us that normally feel or are nearby. The definition for solitude as defined by dictionary.com is “aloneness,” but NOT “loneliness.” I’m in a philosophy class and a logic class this semester, so bear with me while I make these distinctions. Aloneness simply means being absent from others; loneliness on the other hand, is more like the feeling one has about aloneness. Loneliness is normally synonymous with abandonment and despair….but not with solitude. Why not?

            I have a theory that is maybe best explained if an example is used first. I came off of a wonderful weekend that was very tiring and simultaneously very relaxing recently. I found myself in the midst of the same group of people that I normally spend Sunday nights with at school…but something wasn’t right. I felt a tug in my heart, pulling me from where I was. I felt disconnected from my friends and at odds with them, even though I hadn’t seen them in a couple days. In the midst of perfectly good company…I felt lonely. Though I didn’t understand it at the time, I felt the need to get away from people, to seek solitude. That desire for peaceful solitude and paradoxically, an end to my loneliness, led me to the chapel, where I spent some much needed unwinding time with God, who was with me through the entire ordeal.

            The differences between solitude and loneliness are not the literary connotations or definitions we English-speakers assign to them.  The difference between solitude and loneliness is the persons or Person we are seeking. When we seek for fellow humans to fill our lives, we feel that they let us down and abandon us…or that we have somehow let them down and are not worth their time. This is a clever tool that Satan uses to isolate us from our Lord. God is the only who can fill us, and so He leaves us a little less than full, so that sometimes we’ll seek Him in the quiet places of our lives-like the chapel-and the quiet places of our hearts-in our aloneness and solitude.

“Bitterly she weeps at night, tears upon her cheeks, with not one to console her of all her dear ones; her friends have all betrayed her and become her enemies.” ~Lamentations 1:2

Who is she, Jerusalem, seeking? If you check out chapter 1, Jerusalem is abandoned and disgraced because “the Lord has punished her for her many sins.” (vs 5) Sin is what makes us feel truly, spiritually lonely. Satan is the one who makes us feel emotionally lonely…he convinces us first, to be filled by the worldly things and imperfect humans around us, and when it does not work, he then seeks to turn us against each other, insisting that it is either someone else’s fault, for abandoning us, or our fault, because we are not worthy of love.

“…I sought him…I found him whom my heart loves. I took hold of him and would not let him go…” ~Song of Songs 3:2, 4

Who is she, the beloved, seeking? Her lover, the One who might fill and fulfill her. And if you’ve read the book Song of Songs at all, she is definitely not lonely. But she seeks solitude in a garden, in a tower, in so many different places; she searches for her lover there, in the quiet places of her life and heart…in solitude. So who are you seeking? And how do you feel about it?

Grace to you in your aloneness, and peace!