Accepting the Cross

FIrst of all, theres a reason for this ridiculously long blog post. I could have cut out the first 2 paragraphs and skipped to the good stuff, but I haven't really talked about this, like ever. So in addition to some pretty cool theological realizations, I'm doing some unloading thats been long in coming...say 12 years or so.
July 28, 1998-I was diagnosed with Type I diabetes. I was 7 years old. Though it was at the very least, an interesting experience spending several days in the hospital and taking classes on how to eat and manage my blood sugar, I accepted this new turn of events into my life easily. Call me a psych major, but I think young minds accomodate tumultuous news with much less emotional backlash than adults, because they haven't really become their own person, with their own unique feelings and routines of life. (For that matter, they also aren't used to being stubborn and asserting their will against God's yet. See Romans 11...part 2 of this post will come later on.) I theorize that this is why diabetes was not super traumatizing to me...but then again, maybe it more latently affected me than I used to believe.
Growing up, I'd get angry when a high blood sugar would put the kaibosh on dessert after supper, or when a low blood sugar meant I couldn't start in the basketball game in fifth grade, but as I hit high school and started "taking care" of myself, I thought less and less about my disease. It sounds totally oxymoronic (and it was), but I almost never gave a second thought to my health. Unbeknownst to most people, diabetes is a daily series of many, many choices; virtually everything I choose with regard to food, exercise and my schedule has consequences that affect me within hours. I tried to make these choices as best as I could with as little effort as possible; this often meant I'd sacrifice a day of good blood sugar concentration for one poor food choice. I didn't think about the choices I made when I made them...it was only after I suffered the consequences that I realized my poor decision making. For example, instead of potentially embarrassing myself and leaving class to take my insulin because I forgot it in my locker, I'd just sit through class and feel awful the rest of the day. I still do that: I've been doing it since I started college and have the least amount of control over my diabetes that I've ever had. Crisis managment style is not a good way to approach diabetes. But despite my bad test results these last two years (the nurses at my doctor's office promptly scold me every 3 months) I didn't really think about what my long-term state of health meant...until just recently.
Like I said, diabetes has been a real roadblock this last year...when I think about it. And I generally only think about it when my blood sugar is 300+ and I feel awful...and I generally only know what my blood sugar is when I test it because I don't feel right (definitely a BAD habit...I should be taking it 4 times daily to track it to make more informed decisions about eating and exercise and such...). A couple weeks ago, I was really upset because I noticed (Finally!) that I had been having the same blood sugar problems at the same time of day consistently. It didn't matter that I adjusted my insulin dosage a little; I still didn't make a good enough choice each day to combat that problem. Note: When I'm upset, I generally rail at God a bit, and then ask Him to help me.  But for the first time in 12 years, I actually prayed about my diabetes. Not to toot my own horn, but I've always known to ask God for help when I don't know how to handle a problem. But I kid you not, it NEVER really occurred to me to ask God what His purpose was for my diabetes. That's some serious oversight on my part, friend. Ouch.
So, this recent conversation with God about diabetes has been floating around in my subconscious-He didn't give me an answer I understood at the time. This weekend, a couple of friends and I were talking about how connected and holistic each part of a person is: physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual. And the idea of suffering spiritual attack through physical sickness came up...and bam. There it was.
It has always seemed to me that my health was never something to pray about. The two spheres of my life, my physical health and spiritual faith had no contact as far as I knew. Why pray about it? Its something God has given me, move on...Ah, but wait! I have recognized that it is God who has given me diabetes...but before I move on, I must explore what it means for me to have this disease.
Gosh darn it, how easily and effectively has Satan hidden this from me! One of his biggest and best weapons against humanity is to scare us away from suffering. No way should we accept that heavy, horrible cross, he tells us. It can do no good for us! Suffering is nothing but a petty annoyance that God chooses to bother us with, even if we are aware that He loves us. What a lie..and I've bought it hook, line and sinker. How easily he has hidden my cross from me: by not letting me see my diabetes in a spiritual context and as part of the bigger picture of God's plan. Though not fully understanding my health this way hasn't exactly torn my spiritual life apart, I now see that it has held me back. I've always shied away from meditating on Christ's passion and really truly contemplating the meaning of suffering. Before now I could never have said why, I just felt that it was an area of spirituality I'd eventually get to when I was more mature. However, now I see an opportunity to offer more of myself to God, through my low blood sugars, through my tiredness when its high, through the headaches of quick blood sugar recovery, through the annoying pains of finger pricks and insulin shots. This new state of mind turns my frustrations and sometimes despair into excitement and joy: I have been blessed indeed with a chance to unite my (meager) sufferings to Christ's on the cross, to grow closer to Him and take others with me. The only thing that has held me back is recognizing the chance to accept my diabetes, to take up my cross and follow Him. WHOA.

"Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:10

"Whoever wishes to come after Me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me." ~Matthew 16:24

I really hope that made sense, because it just kind of tumbled out. 12 years of not thinking and little practice really screws up your eloquence...and there's more to come, after I refine the rest of my ideas.
Grace to you, and peace!