FIrst of all, theres a reason for this ridiculously long blog post. I could have cut out the first 2 paragraphs and skipped to the good stuff, but I haven't really talked about this, like ever. So in addition to some pretty cool theological realizations, I'm doing some unloading thats been long in coming...say 12 years or so.
July 28, 1998-I was diagnosed with Type I diabetes. I was 7 years old. Though it was at the very least, an interesting experience spending several days in the hospital and taking classes on how to eat and manage my blood sugar, I accepted this new turn of events into my life easily. Call me a psych major, but I think young minds accomodate tumultuous news with much less emotional backlash than adults, because they haven't really become their own person, with their own unique feelings and routines of life. (For that matter, they also aren't used to being stubborn and asserting their will against God's yet. See Romans 11...part 2 of this post will come later on.) I theorize that this is why diabetes was not super traumatizing to me...but then again, maybe it more latently affected me than I used to believe.
Growing up, I'd get angry when a high blood sugar would put the kaibosh on dessert after supper, or when a low blood sugar meant I couldn't start in the basketball game in fifth grade, but as I hit high school and started "taking care" of myself, I thought less and less about my disease. It sounds totally oxymoronic (and it was), but I almost never gave a second thought to my health. Unbeknownst to most people, diabetes is a daily series of many, many choices; virtually everything I choose with regard to food, exercise and my schedule has consequences that affect me within hours. I tried to make these choices as best as I could with as little effort as possible; this often meant I'd sacrifice a day of good blood sugar concentration for one poor food choice. I didn't think about the choices I made when I made them...it was only after I suffered the consequences that I realized my poor decision making. For example, instead of potentially embarrassing myself and leaving class to take my insulin because I forgot it in my locker, I'd just sit through class and feel awful the rest of the day. I still do that: I've been doing it since I started college and have the least amount of control over my diabetes that I've ever had. Crisis managment style is not a good way to approach diabetes. But despite my bad test results these last two years (the nurses at my doctor's office promptly scold me every 3 months) I didn't really think about what my long-term state of health meant...until just recently.
Like I said, diabetes has been a real roadblock this last year...when I think about it. And I generally only think about it when my blood sugar is 300+ and I feel awful...and I generally only know what my blood sugar is when I test it because I don't feel right (definitely a BAD habit...I should be taking it 4 times daily to track it to make more informed decisions about eating and exercise and such...). A couple weeks ago, I was really upset because I noticed (Finally!) that I had been having the same blood sugar problems at the same time of day consistently. It didn't matter that I adjusted my insulin dosage a little; I still didn't make a good enough choice each day to combat that problem. Note: When I'm upset, I generally rail at God a bit, and then ask Him to help me. But for the first time in 12 years, I actually prayed about my diabetes. Not to toot my own horn, but I've always known to ask God for help when I don't know how to handle a problem. But I kid you not, it NEVER really occurred to me to ask God what His purpose was for my diabetes. That's some serious oversight on my part, friend. Ouch.
So, this recent conversation with God about diabetes has been floating around in my subconscious-He didn't give me an answer I understood at the time. This weekend, a couple of friends and I were talking about how connected and holistic each part of a person is: physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual. And the idea of suffering spiritual attack through physical sickness came up...and bam. There it was.
It has always seemed to me that my health was never something to pray about. The two spheres of my life, my physical health and spiritual faith had no contact as far as I knew. Why pray about it? Its something God has given me, move on...Ah, but wait! I have recognized that it is God who has given me diabetes...but before I move on, I must explore what it means for me to have this disease.
Gosh darn it, how easily and effectively has Satan hidden this from me! One of his biggest and best weapons against humanity is to scare us away from suffering. No way should we accept that heavy, horrible cross, he tells us. It can do no good for us! Suffering is nothing but a petty annoyance that God chooses to bother us with, even if we are aware that He loves us. What a lie..and I've bought it hook, line and sinker. How easily he has hidden my cross from me: by not letting me see my diabetes in a spiritual context and as part of the bigger picture of God's plan. Though not fully understanding my health this way hasn't exactly torn my spiritual life apart, I now see that it has held me back. I've always shied away from meditating on Christ's passion and really truly contemplating the meaning of suffering. Before now I could never have said why, I just felt that it was an area of spirituality I'd eventually get to when I was more mature. However, now I see an opportunity to offer more of myself to God, through my low blood sugars, through my tiredness when its high, through the headaches of quick blood sugar recovery, through the annoying pains of finger pricks and insulin shots. This new state of mind turns my frustrations and sometimes despair into excitement and joy: I have been blessed indeed with a chance to unite my (meager) sufferings to Christ's on the cross, to grow closer to Him and take others with me. The only thing that has held me back is recognizing the chance to accept my diabetes, to take up my cross and follow Him. WHOA.
"Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:10
"Whoever wishes to come after Me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me." ~Matthew 16:24
I really hope that made sense, because it just kind of tumbled out. 12 years of not thinking and little practice really screws up your eloquence...and there's more to come, after I refine the rest of my ideas.
Grace to you, and peace!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I'm tired.
This last weekend I spent a very short 24ish hours at home...running errands, shopping for a dress for a wedding (yay! Only 4 more days till Paul and Torie tie the knot!), writing a 10 minute meditation that I gave very nervously the next day at a TEC gathering, hanging out with one of my best friends and my cat, and playing some awesome multiplayer Tetris with my brother barking orders from the kitchen while he cooked us 3 fabulous meals. :) What should have been a fabulously peaceful weekend was indeed, enjoyable...but it wasn't peaceful. I could not for the life of me get rid of the small voice of anxiety that gave me a spiritual twitch all weekend. I wanted a plan and I wanted to get items A through Q off of my to-do list. I'm tellin' ya, when the human makes a plan it all goes downhill...
This seems to be the common theme of my spiritual battle lately...and its wearing me down. Though sometimes, things really don't go the way I want and I'm consciously fighting with God about it, this weekend was just exhausting. I didn't even realize at the time that I was being so anxious and controlling (or grasping at the illusion of control anyway), and I didn't know what it was doing to me until I had spent a miserable Monday morning in class and work study. I have never been so mentally out of it and tired...and it has never been so difficult to bounce back from a weekend for me. It occurred to me that futilely fighting with the Master of the Universe feels deceptively like "exhausting one's self for the sake of the Kingdom" (a concept I used in my meditation the day before), a trick that I'm sure the Evil one uses to his advantage. The main difference is that my pride and brokenness fuels the former and inhibits the latter. Its just another hilarious bit of God's humor that the Kansas/Missouri weather these days is being equally deceptive...
In all seriousness though, I'm literally tired of being so stubborn. Some days, its funny when I argue with God and He answers with His omnipotence and makes things happen supernaturally. But in the long run, I'm tired of mistreating my best Friend with the sarcasm and flippancy that is characteristic of my human nature. I spent all weekend spinning my wheels, and for nothing. I got items A through Q off of my list, but at His pace and in His time. I certainly selfishly accepted those blessings without thanking Him, and becoming aware of all He does for my without even my acknowledgement shows me what a wretched sinner I am. Ouch.
I can only be humbled by the fact that God sent His only Son to die for me. That realization literally brings me to my knees its so cripplingly humbling (I'll never understand what Protestantism's issue is with "Catholic calisthenics;" we pray with our bodies...duh). And what's even better, He rose again, because He thinks I'm worth bringing to Heaven. I don't know what He's thinking, but I guess that's the whole point of being human.
May you tire yourself in humble service to our Lord and Savior, not in foolish pride.
Peace and grace to you!
This seems to be the common theme of my spiritual battle lately...and its wearing me down. Though sometimes, things really don't go the way I want and I'm consciously fighting with God about it, this weekend was just exhausting. I didn't even realize at the time that I was being so anxious and controlling (or grasping at the illusion of control anyway), and I didn't know what it was doing to me until I had spent a miserable Monday morning in class and work study. I have never been so mentally out of it and tired...and it has never been so difficult to bounce back from a weekend for me. It occurred to me that futilely fighting with the Master of the Universe feels deceptively like "exhausting one's self for the sake of the Kingdom" (a concept I used in my meditation the day before), a trick that I'm sure the Evil one uses to his advantage. The main difference is that my pride and brokenness fuels the former and inhibits the latter. Its just another hilarious bit of God's humor that the Kansas/Missouri weather these days is being equally deceptive...
In all seriousness though, I'm literally tired of being so stubborn. Some days, its funny when I argue with God and He answers with His omnipotence and makes things happen supernaturally. But in the long run, I'm tired of mistreating my best Friend with the sarcasm and flippancy that is characteristic of my human nature. I spent all weekend spinning my wheels, and for nothing. I got items A through Q off of my list, but at His pace and in His time. I certainly selfishly accepted those blessings without thanking Him, and becoming aware of all He does for my without even my acknowledgement shows me what a wretched sinner I am. Ouch.
I can only be humbled by the fact that God sent His only Son to die for me. That realization literally brings me to my knees its so cripplingly humbling (I'll never understand what Protestantism's issue is with "Catholic calisthenics;" we pray with our bodies...duh). And what's even better, He rose again, because He thinks I'm worth bringing to Heaven. I don't know what He's thinking, but I guess that's the whole point of being human.
May you tire yourself in humble service to our Lord and Savior, not in foolish pride.
Peace and grace to you!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Loneliness vs. Solitude
I realize how ironic it is, but I promise I did not write this post as a result of the day/night I put it up…I am single this Valentine’s day, but I am joyful because I know that Jesus’ Sacred Heart burns with love for me…and that beats chocolate and flowers by a landslide (like KU this evening. Ha.) Anyways….
What is the difference between loneliness and solitude? At first glance, they seem to mean the same thing: being or feeling distant from those around us that normally feel or are nearby. The definition for solitude as defined by dictionary.com is “aloneness,” but NOT “loneliness.” I’m in a philosophy class and a logic class this semester, so bear with me while I make these distinctions. Aloneness simply means being absent from others; loneliness on the other hand, is more like the feeling one has about aloneness. Loneliness is normally synonymous with abandonment and despair….but not with solitude. Why not?
I have a theory that is maybe best explained if an example is used first. I came off of a wonderful weekend that was very tiring and simultaneously very relaxing recently. I found myself in the midst of the same group of people that I normally spend Sunday nights with at school…but something wasn’t right. I felt a tug in my heart, pulling me from where I was. I felt disconnected from my friends and at odds with them, even though I hadn’t seen them in a couple days. In the midst of perfectly good company…I felt lonely. Though I didn’t understand it at the time, I felt the need to get away from people, to seek solitude. That desire for peaceful solitude and paradoxically, an end to my loneliness, led me to the chapel, where I spent some much needed unwinding time with God, who was with me through the entire ordeal.
The differences between solitude and loneliness are not the literary connotations or definitions we English-speakers assign to them. The difference between solitude and loneliness is the persons or Person we are seeking. When we seek for fellow humans to fill our lives, we feel that they let us down and abandon us…or that we have somehow let them down and are not worth their time. This is a clever tool that Satan uses to isolate us from our Lord. God is the only who can fill us, and so He leaves us a little less than full, so that sometimes we’ll seek Him in the quiet places of our lives-like the chapel-and the quiet places of our hearts-in our aloneness and solitude.
“Bitterly she weeps at night, tears upon her cheeks, with not one to console her of all her dear ones; her friends have all betrayed her and become her enemies.” ~Lamentations 1:2
Who is she, Jerusalem, seeking? If you check out chapter 1, Jerusalem is abandoned and disgraced because “the Lord has punished her for her many sins.” (vs 5) Sin is what makes us feel truly, spiritually lonely. Satan is the one who makes us feel emotionally lonely…he convinces us first, to be filled by the worldly things and imperfect humans around us, and when it does not work, he then seeks to turn us against each other, insisting that it is either someone else’s fault, for abandoning us, or our fault, because we are not worthy of love.
“…I sought him…I found him whom my heart loves. I took hold of him and would not let him go…” ~Song of Songs 3:2, 4
Who is she, the beloved, seeking? Her lover, the One who might fill and fulfill her. And if you’ve read the book Song of Songs at all, she is definitely not lonely. But she seeks solitude in a garden, in a tower, in so many different places; she searches for her lover there, in the quiet places of her life and heart…in solitude. So who are you seeking? And how do you feel about it?
Grace to you in your aloneness, and peace!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Ouch.
My friend Jesse mentioned once how chock-full of wise goodness the book of Sirach was...so I thought I'd give it a shot. I am slowly, slloooooowwwwwwlllly and sporadically making my way through Sirach and made it to chapter 10, verse 12 the other night:
"The beginning of pride is man's stubbornness in withdrawing his heart from his Maker."
"Ouch."
"Oops."
Those were my first two articulate reactions to this verse. Stubbornness is not a personality trait I would normally attribute to myself. But after recent repeated arguments and at least one outright fight with God, what else can I call myself? Proud.
Double-ouch.
The very BEGINNING of pride is my stubbornness. And not just my stubbornness of will-the days where I tell God how I want His plan to go. Pride reigns in my heart when I refuse to let the love and peace of Christ control it instead. My pride begins (began) when I withdraw my heart from God...when I refuse to let Him love me. When I withdraw my affection from the One who IS Love, who loves me more completely than I could even imagine.
If a dear friend were to withdraw their affections, their heart from me, how would I feel?
Well, I'll be taking that one to confession. Peace and grace to you!
"The beginning of pride is man's stubbornness in withdrawing his heart from his Maker."
"Ouch."
"Oops."
Those were my first two articulate reactions to this verse. Stubbornness is not a personality trait I would normally attribute to myself. But after recent repeated arguments and at least one outright fight with God, what else can I call myself? Proud.
Double-ouch.
The very BEGINNING of pride is my stubbornness. And not just my stubbornness of will-the days where I tell God how I want His plan to go. Pride reigns in my heart when I refuse to let the love and peace of Christ control it instead. My pride begins (began) when I withdraw my heart from God...when I refuse to let Him love me. When I withdraw my affection from the One who IS Love, who loves me more completely than I could even imagine.
If a dear friend were to withdraw their affections, their heart from me, how would I feel?
Well, I'll be taking that one to confession. Peace and grace to you!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Humility
2 instances of this ridiculous concept that God calls us to/drags us toward while we're screaming with fingernails digging into the floor/literally knocks us to the ground with...
1. He totally ruined my day last Wednesday. Everything-I kid you not-EVERYTHING went wrong...because God scrapped my plans and said, "Here's what I want you to do instead..." Though I threw a childish fit about it, (hence, my screaming with fingernails image) He managed to get me to daily Mass (NOT part of the original plan), found me a perfect Bible verse for my troubles that day (Colossians 3:17), fixed said troubles, read my thoughts and literally answered them out loud through my good friend Emily, and ended this horribly humbling day with a surprise trip to a perpetual adoration chapel (those are few and far between in the KC area) where He stared me in the face and asked, "Will you let Me love you now?" Whoa.
2. A less comical example. Here I am in this picture, snoozing in THE Marian shrine of America, the largest Catholic Church in the country, the basilica of the Immaculate Conception in Washington D.C.
We were there for the Pro-life vigil the night before the March for Life. With several other thousand people, we celebrated a 2 1/2 hour mass...which, of course, was awesome. We got there 2 hours early, long enough for a short nap, and we still had to sit downstairs, outside the crypt church, in the VERY back against the wall. We couldn't even see the TV showing us the altar. And there was little ole' me, a tiny speck in the midst of the largest peaceful protest in the nation...cat-napping in front of...well, God and everybody. My position inside that basilica was so perfectly illustrative of my part in the March.
And I did. I was only one of 400,000 people-most of them born after the Roe Vs. Wade decision-to march on the Supreme Court building that day (See http://www.ewtn.com/vnews/getstory.asp?number=111182). My own self disappeared and I joined in a cause that is bigger than all of us put together can even imagine. I was a just a miniscule part of the witness to a culture of life, to a deeper respect for my own humanity, to the call of a life completely open to God's grace and life-giving love. God's work is so perfect in the pro-life movement. As more and more and more people join in this fight, one person means (in a manner of speaking) less and less and less...the louder the testimony of this pilgrimage becomes, the more humbling it is. What a lesson God is teaching us! The more of us that fight for Christ, the more glory we bring Him and the more we-together with our brothers and sisters-build His Kingdom, the less glory we are able to take for ourselves. WHOA!
"Father God, we praise You and thank You for the virtue of humility. By becoming smaller, help us to see and enjoy and adore more of Your greatness. Amen."
"He must increase, I must decrease." -John 3:30
1. He totally ruined my day last Wednesday. Everything-I kid you not-EVERYTHING went wrong...because God scrapped my plans and said, "Here's what I want you to do instead..." Though I threw a childish fit about it, (hence, my screaming with fingernails image) He managed to get me to daily Mass (NOT part of the original plan), found me a perfect Bible verse for my troubles that day (Colossians 3:17), fixed said troubles, read my thoughts and literally answered them out loud through my good friend Emily, and ended this horribly humbling day with a surprise trip to a perpetual adoration chapel (those are few and far between in the KC area) where He stared me in the face and asked, "Will you let Me love you now?" Whoa.
2. A less comical example. Here I am in this picture, snoozing in THE Marian shrine of America, the largest Catholic Church in the country, the basilica of the Immaculate Conception in Washington D.C.
We were there for the Pro-life vigil the night before the March for Life. With several other thousand people, we celebrated a 2 1/2 hour mass...which, of course, was awesome. We got there 2 hours early, long enough for a short nap, and we still had to sit downstairs, outside the crypt church, in the VERY back against the wall. We couldn't even see the TV showing us the altar. And there was little ole' me, a tiny speck in the midst of the largest peaceful protest in the nation...cat-napping in front of...well, God and everybody. My position inside that basilica was so perfectly illustrative of my part in the March.
“I am only one, but I am one.
I can't do everything, but I can do something.
The something I ought to do, I can do.
And by the grace of God, I will.”
-Edward Everett Hale
And I did. I was only one of 400,000 people-most of them born after the Roe Vs. Wade decision-to march on the Supreme Court building that day (See http://www.ewtn.com/vnews/getstory.asp?number=111182). My own self disappeared and I joined in a cause that is bigger than all of us put together can even imagine. I was a just a miniscule part of the witness to a culture of life, to a deeper respect for my own humanity, to the call of a life completely open to God's grace and life-giving love. God's work is so perfect in the pro-life movement. As more and more and more people join in this fight, one person means (in a manner of speaking) less and less and less...the louder the testimony of this pilgrimage becomes, the more humbling it is. What a lesson God is teaching us! The more of us that fight for Christ, the more glory we bring Him and the more we-together with our brothers and sisters-build His Kingdom, the less glory we are able to take for ourselves. WHOA!
"Father God, we praise You and thank You for the virtue of humility. By becoming smaller, help us to see and enjoy and adore more of Your greatness. Amen."
"He must increase, I must decrease." -John 3:30
May you decrease, to make more room for God in your life!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I'm letting go...
"...of the life I planned for me and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny. It feels like I'm falling and thats what its like to believe...so I'm letting go."
This song, by Francesca Battistelli has been haunting me of late. When I first heard it, I didn't really understand or appreciate it. The song has such an uplifting tune, full of promise and hope. It didn't seem to embody the gut-wrenching, painful experience that I usually associate with letting go and letting God. Abandoning my will to His seems more deserving of melancholy and a depressing funeral dirge...at least thats what I think while still desperately clutching my plans.
I've been holding onto my own will in one aspect for almost two years, but finally letting go with my heart, my mind, and especially my will didn't cause the building I was in to come crashing down. It didn't cast me into the throes of depression. Letting go of what I thought was part of my future did not further obscure the path I saw myself on. Instead of seeing less of my way forward, I now see farther ahead than I have in quite some time. Instead of disappointment, I feel hope, and instead of seeing particular people or vocations, I see the One who really loves me. Here at last, was that sense of release that countless singers describe in their poetry.
"You say let it go, You say let it go.
You say if I lose my life, its then I'll find my soul..."
-Let it go, Tenth Avenue North
Tenth Avenue North and Francesca Battistelli do more than put these words to charming melodies. They communicate a joy that comes with embracing the Lord in all that He is, including His purpose for our lives. Paul says in his letter to the Romans that "all things work the good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." (Rom. 8:28) His purpose...not mine. These all follow the words Jesus spoke Himself: that "whoever wished to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me" and that "whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Mat. 17:24-25)
I know now that letting something go will take time, and its a process I have agreed to begin with Mary, the one who knows better than any of us how to let go. But I may now treasure the gifts I've been given, instead of grasping at them and trying to keep them from being taken away. And how many gifts have I been given! How many opportunities God will allow me to chase, once I drop the things I'm holding into His hands and follow the exciting path He has me on! I'm finding my life! And I'm finding it with joy!
This song, by Francesca Battistelli has been haunting me of late. When I first heard it, I didn't really understand or appreciate it. The song has such an uplifting tune, full of promise and hope. It didn't seem to embody the gut-wrenching, painful experience that I usually associate with letting go and letting God. Abandoning my will to His seems more deserving of melancholy and a depressing funeral dirge...at least thats what I think while still desperately clutching my plans.
I've been holding onto my own will in one aspect for almost two years, but finally letting go with my heart, my mind, and especially my will didn't cause the building I was in to come crashing down. It didn't cast me into the throes of depression. Letting go of what I thought was part of my future did not further obscure the path I saw myself on. Instead of seeing less of my way forward, I now see farther ahead than I have in quite some time. Instead of disappointment, I feel hope, and instead of seeing particular people or vocations, I see the One who really loves me. Here at last, was that sense of release that countless singers describe in their poetry.
"You say let it go, You say let it go.
You say if I lose my life, its then I'll find my soul..."
-Let it go, Tenth Avenue North
Tenth Avenue North and Francesca Battistelli do more than put these words to charming melodies. They communicate a joy that comes with embracing the Lord in all that He is, including His purpose for our lives. Paul says in his letter to the Romans that "all things work the good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." (Rom. 8:28) His purpose...not mine. These all follow the words Jesus spoke Himself: that "whoever wished to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me" and that "whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Mat. 17:24-25)
I know now that letting something go will take time, and its a process I have agreed to begin with Mary, the one who knows better than any of us how to let go. But I may now treasure the gifts I've been given, instead of grasping at them and trying to keep them from being taken away. And how many gifts have I been given! How many opportunities God will allow me to chase, once I drop the things I'm holding into His hands and follow the exciting path He has me on! I'm finding my life! And I'm finding it with joy!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Am I captivating?
As I have become aware of this question in my heart and daily life, I have begun to notice the answers I receive from those around me. A door held open for me is a "yes". A hand held out for me to hold is a "yes". A good listener with an open and accepting heart is a "yes". Even a quiet, friendly, one-armed hug is for me a HUGE "yes!" These gestures of compassion in my life speak to my soul as a woman. They say "Yes! You are a beautiful woman, created with dignity and priceless worth. You captivate me, and I cherish you." This message, sent to me so often through the good people in my life, is sent through them from my God Himself. He is speaking a love language to me that I have never recognized before. And its changing my life. I want to thank all those around me, who let God communicate His love through them. This last year, especially in the last couple of days, you helped answer my question. For that I am so grateful!
So how do you ask your question? How does God answer it in the people around you?
Peace and grace to you!
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