Back to the Future

One of my favorite movie trilogies…and the title is so appropriate. J

As people looking toward Eternal life, we understand that the gift of salvation is priceless: worth more than anything and everything we could offer God while here on earth. Our response to such a gift is zeal and passion for God’s life-giving love. We Catholics do not do good works to earn our Heaven, as so many mistakenly believe. We do good works in response to and thanksgiving for Jesus Christ’s having opened the gates to us freely. And one cannot be thankful for a gift one has not accepted. If we do not accept that God, and God only, can and will sweep us off our feet and carry us off to Heaven, our good works of thanksgiving are meaningless.

God is already waving free tickets to Heaven in our faces. We accept as graciously as our weak humanity can, and then we celebrate (Mass, prayers, good works…all the good stuff. J)

My point here being that Christians look to the future; our whole lives on Earth are caught up in the reality that we will someday be experiencing God fully among His angels and Saints. What an amazing reality to live and die for!

 And thus, the future is where evil tries to deter us.

“Be not afraid.”

I've been saying that lot these days. Hearing it a lot too. From friends, family members, from God Himself. And I've definitely needed to hear it and say it. Lots of stuff has happened in my life recently. Not stuff I'm either willing or yet able to bear my soul about on the internet; stuff that goes arm in arm with that paralyzing fear that knocks the wind out of me when I lay down to sleep at night. And I know for a fact that others are getting the wind knocked out of them too. I tell people and myself to trust God all the time, but when all I knew seemed to be literally falling apart about a week ago, I gained some new perspective on fear, and no longer dismiss how real and crippling it can be.
The thing about fear is that the things we fear are a very real part of our human condition. Evil exists all around us. We live in this world and are a fallen race. Many things that hurt and scare us are the difficulties we have created for ourselves as a result of our sin; other things have other-worldly influence behind them. It is not wrong or unnatural that we be alert to these things. We understand that they might pose a distraction, an obstacle to the future reality of Heaven, should we give them our undue attention. And that undue attention is fear. On the road to sainthood, these evils and distractions give us pause. We dig in our heels and stop to ponder. And fear takes over. We become consumed by how easily these things might stop us. From gaining peace, from joy, from eternal life in the future…and we forget that we’ve already stopped. We forget that we’re already holding the ticket to Heaven in our hands, because we worry about what should happen if something were to take that ticket away.

Stupid Satan. What a head trip. It doesn’t even make sense. Faulty logic!

The opposite of fear is hope. Like fear, hope looks to the future. But hope is when we barely give evil and distraction a head nod, and keep on trucking toward those pearly gates. Hope is realizing that none of the troubles of this world deserve undue attention, because that ticket to Heaven is in our hands, and that ticket is the sacrifice of Christ’s death on the Cross and His Resurrection and victory over death. Hope says to those distractions as we pass them by: “You don’t matter all that much. My future is bright, and nothing can stop me from getting there.” In other words, Philippians 4:13. Or Romans 8:38-39.

So the trick is to be not afraid. When we pause on the road to Sainthood, when we allow fear to bamboozle us, we make the decision to stop chasing God, many times without realizing it. The trick is to keep on trucking. Keep our eyes on the prize-Heaven. Keep on keepin’ on. Or, in other, more eloquent and less clichéd words,

“Be ever engaged, so that whenever the devil calls, he may find you occupied.” –St. Jerome.

I’m ready to get moving again, get past this fear. I’m ready to keep loving my friends, my family, strangers God brings into my life. These struggles I’m going through? Doesn’t matter what they are. They don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I have hope, because I’m on my way to a bigger, brighter, greater reality than I can imagine. I’m ready to get back to the Future. ;)

May you be fearless, and hopeful on this journey to Sainthood. Grace to you, and peace.

Peace, Joy, Humility, Love.

4 words to describe the last few weeks of my life. Very VERY blessed. Between the Cura Personalis conference I attended in St. Louis a couple weeks ago and the TEC retreat I served on, God has taught me so much. I could apologize for how long this post is, but I won't, because I really want to tell all of my story. So hang with me. :)

1) Peace. Something I realized I've not had much of since the school semester ended. I've felt rushed and overwhelmed from the very start of the summer. I kept trying to do EVERYTHING as soon as possible. Socializing with every single friend I hadn't seen in a long time, making commitments I didn't have time to keep, and when I did get the chance to relax at home, I was neglecting my family by being on the phone making more plans and calling more friends. But the chance to go on a silent retreat as part of the CP conference did so much for me. Once I abandoned distraction (which took almost a full day), I felt a lot of peace. The opportunity to simply be. Instead of making plans and time managing and trying to be productive, I relaxed, journaled, spent time with a solid group of strangers as we held silence in community. And I was able to just be with God.
I also found intervals of super profound peace while at TEC. We were blessed with the opportunity to have perpetual adoration for the duration of the retreat. During the three hour-long shifts I signed up for as a team member, and any extra time when I felt weary and tired, I struggled to pray and muster words to offer up. But God told me to simply be with Him, and that that was the prayer I needed to offer. I spent those 3+ hours at total rest: definitely not awake, but not quite asleep. I didn't think about anything, I couldn't move. I just laid in the presence of Christ in the Eucharist, something I've not experienced since I went to Steubenville almost 4 years ago. Awesome. :)

2) Joy. I sure got a bunch of this at CP. I've served several TECs, and know a lot of people through the community I've found there. But CP was great because I got to meet new people again, this time from all over the country. People from 10-ish Jesuit universities who shared unique experiences within the common thread of student faith-sharing groups at a university level. It was so inspiring to mingle with Christian college students who were all serious about leadership in service of the Gospel. I was completely surrounded by the cream of the crop. There were lots of joyful people there, people who don't take life too seriously, people who hold hope for the future. It definitely rubbed off. :)
On CP, I discovered I genuinely like meeting new people, but I also found soooo much joy on TEC 128, where I spent the weekend serving with a group of teenagers that love Christ. And I don't just mean that they like to pray every once in awhile and sing at Mass. I mean, they LOVE Christ. Fully. Passionately. Deeply. Amidst the presence of such True Love, this wheat crew, most of whose members I was familiar with, but didn't know on a deeper level, exuded such abiding joy that was amazingly infectious. Whether it came from the countless hugs I received, or the deepened friendships I gained, or the million adoration chapel visits, or the hilarious songs made up to the tune of "Hey there, Delilah" at 1am, or the Holy Spirit summonings, or even the many, many hands I held (I LOVE holding hands...such a beautiful sign of affection to me :) ), I was absolutely filled with joy. I cried that weekend. Like A LOT. I heard a quote on CP that perfectly described and carried over to TEC 128:
"When your heart is full, your eyes overflow." 
And overflow they did. So joyful. :)

3) Humility. Something I have always struggled with. I get selfish often, and when I get selfish, everything gets difficult. For myself, for others. God's plan trips me up so often and frustrates me so because of my pride and selfishness. Well, lucky for me, God warned me about what I was coming up against. When I expressed my uneasiness about the coming trip to St. Louis, He told me that the coming weeks would be an opportunity to grow in patience, in humility.
"I want you to examine your heart this week. You have more burden to lay down and more to work on than you think you do."
Ouch. But, like always, He was right. I had a lot to sort out...and more than I thought I did. I got to SLU with a mental checklist of things to think about. God allowed me to think about them. But He also let loose a couple of lessons that I had been needing to learn for quite some time, about TEC, about CLC, about some of my friendships. I was very humbled. I grew so much in understanding by simply listening to God's whisper, and watching His plan unfold in front of me. It was, in a word, beautiful.  Once I sat back and let God lead me, I was graced with the openness for humility. That is not a prideful statement, but a genuine one. When I was tempted to be frustrated, my heart was opened to the knowledge that God had a purpose in mind for each circumstance, no matter how silly it made me look, or how completely incompetent I was.
 That grace stuck with me as I left St. Louis, when my car broke down on the way home, when the credit card system at work shut down, when my cash register was $20 short, when my hair wasn't behaving itself, when the bookmarks I worked so hard to make fell apart when I got to TEC. Its like I was given foresight by the Holy Spirit: the chance to respond graciously to potentially difficult circumstances, without the frustration and pointless anger. Those responses were DEFINTELY not of me. Definitely a God thing. They made my service as wheat crew assistant director a lot easier to swallow. Fellow wheaties asked me questions I didn't know the answers to, small things like the bookmarks didn't turn out, it took me twenty minutes to figure out how to copy and paste on a Mac computer, I had to forego precious sleep and (a little) hygiene to make sure all that needed to be done was done. I can't really say how I did with being humble, but I can definitely say that I was given the grace to recognize when I was being humbled. :)

My explanations keep getting longer. And this one's the longest because it ties it all together. (Haha, unintentded Scripture reference: 1 Cor 13:13.)
4) Love. Before I start with CP and TEC, I should preface a bit. The word love stuck out to me about 6 months ago when one of my friends was talking and she said this:
"I love. It's what I do."
That simply reality echoed in my head so much I wrote it down and stuck it on my wall for the remainder of the school year. Sara's words also resounded in part of a poem by St. John of the Cross:
"...I've no flock any more,
no other work in view.
My occupation: Love. It's all I do."
This was one of those things where God messes with me a bit and plops a problem in my lap or a thought in my head with a short comment like: "Don't worry about this now. We'll get to it later!" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) I envision these problems/thoughts/anomalies as pieces of notebook paper. I've crumpled them up, and the paper ball must be unfolded, so that I can understand what God's telling me. I also imagine gripping these things of life in my hands with my fists clenched. If I were to open my hands to God's purpose, and let go of the things I selfishly want, I'll find peace, joy, humility...
So, I headed to St. Louis with my fists clenched, notebook paper freshly crumpled. After God's warning (see humility paragraph), I saw these images I had of my understanding of Love and I knew that they would have to change, especially as I would soon be called to serve God's children on a TEC retreat, and as I entered a new dating relationship. But those two callings were precisely what my paper was so crumpled up about. The conference was supposed to be about CLC. Was I supposed to be praying for the upcoming retreat and for my boyfriend? Why did it seem that if I chose to pray about TEC or about my significant other, that I was shorting CLC, an equally important commitment I had made? Most importantly, why did it hurt when I chose TEC over other things, even though TEC is such a powerful instrument of God's work in my life? I had clenched my fists and crumpled my paper a week or so earlier when someone made a comment to me:
"It's like TEC is your Catholicism...I don't want that come between us."
It was at CP when I brought this up that God whacked me with a Holy Spirit 2x4, one that TECers might understand better than most people.
"'No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other'(Mat 6:24). You have made TEC the master of your life, April. TEC was a huge experience for you...but other things can bring you to Me in a way that TEC cannot. And that's ok."

Wow. That conversation was beyond profound for me. I humbly realize that I've been living with the idea that one part of my life (TEC, obviously) has to capture all of my passion, and that I have to stretch that passion to include all the other parts. I would always compare spiritual experiences to TEC and find them wanting. I'd think about how I related to non-TEC friends as compared to how I related to TEC friends. I made myself feel guilty about liking CLC less than TEC, and wishing I was with my framily when I was with friends at Rockhurst. All those judgements, those choices I forced myself to make, were pointless and hurt my concept of Real Love. How silly it seems now. I enjoy CLC. I love my TEC family. I love the person my boyfriend is. I am satisfied by the things I'm involved in at school. And I cannot judge their good for me by a standard that is not God's. I cannot compare one good to another and decide that one is wrong for me, or that I must choose one and forego another. God has brought ALL these blessings to my life, and it is not my place to deny one and accept another. After all, when you are given a gift, who are you to decide the conditions upon which you will accept it? (Borrowed Theology of the Body idea.) TEC is an excellent program, and it will continue to capture a lot of my passion, but it is not my standard. It is not what determines where I find Real Love. Where I give it. How I give it. I can grow closer to Christ through TEC. But not because its the only way for me to encounter Him. I can find Him anywhere, everywhere. In fact,
"God must be found in all things." -St. Ignatius of Loyola
Talk about very profound and awesome.  These threads of understanding about love lingered in my heart as I left for TEC 128; my notebook paper ball was no longer a ball, but not quite a smooth, flat sheet of paper. My hands relaxed a little, but I still had my own meager understanding of love enclosed in my fingers. It's like I needed a solid, single sentence answer from God about all these musings I had wandered through while in silence at St. Louis University. Well, God is good and that single sentence came.
 Before the TEC weekend began, God said this:
"This weekend, I want you to love fully. Deeply. Passionately."
And so I took a deep breath, and said "Ok." Not quite as graceful and eloquent as Mary's Fiat, but I know She's the only one who managed to get me to squeak that out.
Anyways, when the time came for me to love in the way God was calling me, I hung back. I hesitated. I said I was scared. "I'm still trying to protect my heart...I don't want to do this out of selfishness...I don't know how to do this...I am afraid." What if I chose to love in this way, and no love was left for the other people in my life? I didn't think I could manage to muster up all that Christ was calling me to give. If I emptied myself completely, what would remain for me to give to others after the weekend? What if someone else deserves the love I have to give more?
And God gave me that single sentence. And He re-stated it in that beautiful passage from the New Testament.
"Love does not compete."
"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (1 Cor 13:4-8)
Though I can barely hope to someday understand the love in Mary's heart when She told the angel Gabriel that She was the Lord's handmaid, I can thank Her for the opportunity to feel the love that gushed forth from my heart when God told me that Love does not compete. Loving someone means that you forget any selfish motives you have for doing so. Loving someone means you give them exactly what they need when they need it, no matter what another person might think. Real Love for a particular person does not affect the Love you have for someone else. Real Love does not force you to choose between two good things in your life, because the God who is Real Love does not and will not take your ultimate good away from you.
"All things work for good for those who love God...for I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord," -Romans 8:28

I don't have much more to say except these two things:

"My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my savior. For He has looked upon his handmaid's lowliness...The Mighty One has done great things for me...holy is His name." -Luke 1:46-49

Blessed be God.
Blessed be His Holy Name.
Blessed be Jesus Christ, true God and true man.
Blessed be the name of Jesus.
Blessed be His Most Sacred Heart.
Blessed be Jesus in the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar.
Blessed be the Holy Spirit, the paraclete.
Blessed be the great Mother of God, Mary most holy.
Blessed be her holy and Immaculate Conception.
Blessed be her glorious Assumption.
Blessed be the name of Mary, Virgin and Mother.
Blessed be Saint Joseph, her most chaste spouse.
Blessed be God in His angels and in His Saints.
Here's to hoping that these 4 words, these virtues I've found in the last couple weeks may continue to grow in my life, and in yours.
Thanks for listening to my story. Grace to you, and peace.

April, come back!

Hey guys....I realized I have kinda fallen off the blogging map these days. Thought I'd check back in and give a few short updates on life...although as late as it is, they do actually have to be short. I've got a big prayer weekend ahead of me. :)

1) Perhaps most importantly (at least to me), I am in a dating relationship with a wonderful young man I met through a mutual friend. This probably doesn't sound like much, but after having been single for almost 3 years...thereby skipping out on the casual dating mess of the first couple college years, It feels like I'm doing this whole courtship/serious dating thing for real. I feel my heart coming alive. It's so awesome to truly invest in someone's friendship and to take mutual interest in helping it grow, and taking it to God to see what He'll do with it. Happiness. :)

2) I spent an entire week at St. Louis University at a Cura Personalis conference. CP means in a few short words: "care for the whole person," one of the Jesuit core values. Part silent retreat, part intense workshops for the betterment of Christrian Life Community groups on Jesuit university campuses, this conference rocked my world. I learned so much...I don't even know that I've recognized or absorbed all I've learned yet. That is still to come. I'm hoping that soon I'll be able to comprehend and express some of my findings in a more coherent form than the chicken scratch that is my journal.

3) Once again, working at good ole' Dillons for the summer. This time though, they've trained me up out in the gas station-officially termed "Fuel Center"-so I have more responsibility and a lot more room for mistakes. If that doesn't frustrate and stress me out, I don't know what does. **heavy sigh** But its teaching me a lot about what I do in my idle-ness. Between setting up pre-paid gasoline orders and placating cranky customers with cigarettes, I have to find something to do. Attempting to pray amid distraction, the kind of music I choose to listen to, how obsessed I am with checking my phone...its very interesting to reflect on my actions.

Well, those are  the 3 biggest things on the radar so far. More to come, I'm sure. In the mean time, here's a tasty tidbit to reflect on when worrying about God's will.
"God is the slowest person I know Who's always on time."

Grace to you, and peace!

My poor roommate.

I played a song for my dorm-mate, and we've both had it stuck in our heads the last couple days. Sorry Kara...but its sooo good!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3HwFtdVTfM
Crazy Girl-Eli Young Band.

So, 10 reasons I love this song:
1) Of course, its a sappy-sweet love song that my womanly heart can't get enough of! **sigh**
2) I've never listened to Eli Young Band before, but I really like the singer's voice.
3) The video's funny. Totally goes with the play on words.
4) Part of #3. It's a play on words... "Crazy girl, don't ya know that I love you?....I love you like crazy, girl..." I love puns. :)
5) "Before you ever came along, I was living life all wrong. The smartest thing I ever did was make you all mine." I like songs that value women; those songs that say how precious a woman really is to the heart of a man. :)
6) It's original. The play on words really puts a playful tone to the lyrics, even though its sound is more like that of your typical lovey-dovey country song.
7) "We're gonna have a fight or two...I wouldn't dream of goin' nowhere." This song speaks of fidelity, an attractive (necessary) quality in a romantic relationship.
8) My absolute favorite line: "Silly woman, come here, let me hold you." If I were ever upset and in tears, I would simultaneously laugh, feel better, and my heart would melt a little (Ok, a lot) if someone said this to me.
9) I had a conversation with someone about this song. He didn't like the line I listed above because it seemed like calling a woman "silly" was disrespectful. Though I understand his meaning, it just makes me like the playful tone of the song all the more. And it showed me how awesome the guy really is. :)
10) When I sing the refrain to myself, I imagine God singing it to me...and this already awesome song is made like, 102848303 times better. :)

PS-I'm so glad to be home for the summer. I can hardly believe its here...what do I do with this? Lead me, Lord.
May our Lord lead you to good music and another blessed summer! Grace to you, and peace.

Drat.

Well, its 3:24 a.m. at the moment...I have had some whopper-esque ideas for blog posts since Easter. About the third Sorrowful mystery. That one's a doozy. Or about having my heart romantically pursued by God. I'm feeling swooned as I think about it...but all I can focus on is this stupid zit. In the most obscure place on my face...right next to my lip. Normally, I save weird acne placement for super-stressed, very hormonal times. But after this fabulous dead day before finals, I am definitely not stressed. Blegh. Acne. Can I get a Amen?
Obviously, I could be doing more normal things at this hour instead of obsessing over my face...like sleeping, (which might restore my hormone balance a bit). But, like the silly human I am, I choose to (attempt to) debate with God instead. You see, He and I are going around and around again on this thing called beauty. The world will tell me, in VERY uncertain terms, the same thing John Eldredge says in his book Captivating: "The essence of a woman is Beauty...Beauty is what the world longs to experience from a woman..."

Well, crap, God. Thanks a lot. By definition, I am a failure at life because of this stupid zit.
Buuuuttttt, God nudges me to keep reading.
"'Beauty captivates the senses in order to obtain permission to pass straight through to the soul...'"
Ok, soo...?
Keep reading.
"'The soul's inclination to love beauty is the trap God most frequently uses in order to win it.'"
Ok, God, but you're forgetting the part about the zit on my face. I'm not-
Keep reading.
**sigh**
"A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that He finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in Him, she is enough." 
Ahhh, yes, well....

And so it goes. God sees the acne-covered, overweight, greasy-haired, smelly-footed people we sometimes are, and He loves every bit of us. He sees the prideful, pathetic, broken, infuriating people we sometimes are, and He loves every bit of us. The beautiful messes He created are the tools He's using to build His kingdom. They (we) are the mirrors with which other people see Him, and all His beauty and glory. Now isn't that something? I'm feeling prettier already.
Do you believe you're beautiful? Or are you focused on your odd acne placement? If you can't get away from your mirror, maybe take a long look at the mirror inside God's heart. He'll show you how beautiful, how captivating you really are.
Grace to you, and peace.

Lent thus far

Hmmm...so I kinda cringed when I looked back on this Lent. Though I would say that I did grow spiritually, it was in ways that I didn't expect (isn't that about par for the course?) And I did not hold myself to my Lenten fasts and lofty goals for personal prayer like I had hoped. I definitely realize the cost that came with my laziness. However, I am trying to look at it in a new light: I am trying to not focus on keeping God's Law on the outside like the Pharisees, but what is really more important-keeping God's Law and Love in my heart, and trying to accept and embrace it more. Here's a short conversation He and I had this afternoon...

Me: I realize I didn't keep to any of my resolutions for Lent this year.

God: I know that, dear. You still have much to learn about devotion, and discipline. So many more graces will be yours when this happens. But I have still managed to work in you during this season haven't I?

Me: Yes, Lord. I learned at least a little bit more about offering wheat and sacrifice. But it's so humbling, Lord. And very very hard. I know that I am weak. But I always wish I could suffer joyfully, like the Saints. Will You grant me the grace to do so?

God: Of course, My dear. But think about what you are asking of Me. By asking for the grace to suffer joyfully,  you also ask for such an opportunity to suffer, so that I may pour that grace upon you. Don't lose heart when this opportunity arrives. The first step to suffering joyfully is to realize that I Am the One allowing it. I also Am the One who sees you through it.

**Insert Lightbulb flash above April's head in the chapel**
Me: Yes, Lord. Whenever You grant my requests, I always curse my luck...when no such thing exists. Help me to always recognize Your Hand and Your Will in all things.

Amen to that!
Grace to you, friends and peace!

To know His will, or to do simply it?

This is gonna be fun. Stick with me...I promise its not just "bathroom" humor. **snicker, snicker**

Imagine you get out of bed in the middle of the night to find the bathroom. Though you cannot see clearly the familiar hallways or the doorways that lead to other bedrooms in your own house, you MUST make it to the bathroom. Ignoring the urge is not an option. In this situation,
Happy ending=you, in the bathroom, with an empty bladder and a peaceful feeling.

Ok, laugh a little at this absurd allegory. But, after you're done chuckling, go back to the moment when you wake up because nature calls. You might be slightly disoriented because you cannot see an inch in front of you in the dark, so what do you do?
1. I imagine you might have a floor plan of your house on your night stand to clearly show you the path to the bathroom. (You are about 1 in 89390238580230498304 if you do.) 

2. Or, you could grab your phone (which more probably IS on your night stand) and call your parents, who have better knowledge of the house than you do, and ask them to direct you to the bathroom from your bedroom. This course of action would allow you to make it to your destination with fewer embarrassing bumps into the walls and also, fewer entries into the wrong doorways than if you simply charged ahead without assistance.

3. The first two options are a bit superfluous. This is YOUR house. You know it, and you know that the tools that will enable you to get to the bathroom are available: stairs, doorways, your feet, your experience of your house. And the tightening feeling in your bladder is enough to motivate you to seek the bathroom, and to follow through until you reach your destination.

So why should you be embarrassed by bumping into the walls? Everyone else in your house is asleep. And why should it matter if you enter the wrong doorways? Just because you accidentally venture into your sister's room doesn't mean you can't retreat and re-orient so you head the right direction. And who will judge you for HOW you got to the bathroom, so long as you make it there successfully?

I understand that this story is awkwardly long and seems to go on a tangent. But put yourself in this story and make a couple of changes:
1. Floor plan of the house=exact plan for your life.
2. Phone=Prayer
3. Parents=God
4. Bumps, scrapes, wrong entries=attempts at following God's will
5.YOUR house=this world...God's world.
6. "Gotta go" feeling=call to holiness
7. Bathroom=Heaven

Make these switches and ask yourself the questions again. What's your journey with God shaping up like? Do you HAVE to know His will? Or do you simply have to do it, and trust that He will lead you to your final destination, regardless of how many mistakes your make or what kind of route you take to get there?

"We must never come to believe that we have all the answers. Though the answers are all available to us, no one is ever in full possession of them. God will continue to humble us, to remind us that we're children, by allowing us to fall and to find ourselves without the right answer at the right moment. He'll even permit this when we are, ostensibly, working for His good cause." ~Scott Hahn

Enjoy this ridiculous metaphor...hope it brings you some insight. Grace to you, and peace!