I'm letting go...

"...of the life I planned for me and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny. It feels like I'm falling and thats what its like to believe...so I'm letting go."

This song, by Francesca Battistelli has been haunting me of late. When I first heard it, I didn't really understand or appreciate it. The song has such an uplifting tune, full of promise and hope. It didn't seem to embody the gut-wrenching, painful experience that I usually associate with letting go and letting God. Abandoning my will to His seems more deserving of melancholy and a depressing funeral dirge...at least thats what I think while still desperately clutching my plans.
 I've been holding onto my own will in one aspect for almost two years, but finally letting go with my heart, my mind, and especially my will didn't cause the building I was in to come crashing down. It didn't cast me into the throes of depression. Letting go of what I thought was part of my future did not further obscure the path I saw myself on. Instead of seeing less of my way forward, I now see farther ahead than I have in quite some time. Instead of disappointment, I feel hope, and instead of seeing particular people or vocations, I see the One who really loves me. Here at last, was that sense of release that countless singers describe in their poetry.

"You say let it go, You say let it go.
You say if I lose my life, its then I'll find my soul..."
-Let it go, Tenth Avenue North

Tenth Avenue North and Francesca Battistelli do more than put these words to charming melodies. They communicate a joy that comes with embracing the Lord in all that He is, including His purpose for our lives. Paul says in his letter to the Romans that "all things work the good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." (Rom. 8:28) His purpose...not mine. These all follow the words Jesus spoke Himself: that "whoever wished to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me" and that "whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Mat. 17:24-25)
I know now that letting something go will take time, and its a process I have agreed to begin with Mary, the one who knows better than any of us how to let go. But I may now treasure the gifts I've been given, instead of grasping at them and trying to keep them from being taken away. And how many gifts have I been given! How many opportunities God will allow me to chase, once I drop the things I'm holding into His hands and follow the exciting path He has me on! I'm finding my life! And I'm finding it with joy!

Am I captivating?

John and Stasi Eldredge really know their stuff. In their book, Captivating: Unveiling the Mysteries of a Woman's Soul, they do...well, just that. They explore and describe what it means to be a woman: feminine and beautiful, and how we as women relate to the rest of the world, and more particularly, men. Though I could go on and on about how fabulous it is, and how accurately they portray a woman's soul...I will only say that reading it has rocked my world and made me realize things about myself that I never even thought about. John and Stasi say that both men and women, by their lives and actions, ask a question (of God and of people around us) that seeks the answer to the deepest longings of their hearts. For men, (as elaborated upon in Wild at Heart), the question is "Am I strong enough?" or "Do I have what it takes?" But for women, the question is "Do you find me beautiful...do you delight in me?"..."Am I captivating?" I would go into all the beautifully accurate, true reasoning behind these questions...but I would recommend reading the book instead of listening to my version of it...anyway.

As I have become aware of this question in my heart and daily life, I have begun to notice the answers I receive from those around me. A door held open for me is a "yes". A hand held out for me to hold is a "yes". A good listener with an open and accepting heart is a "yes". Even a quiet, friendly, one-armed hug is for me a HUGE "yes!" These gestures of compassion in my life speak to my soul as a woman. They say "Yes! You are a beautiful woman, created with dignity and priceless worth. You captivate me, and I cherish you." This message, sent to me so often through the good people in my life, is sent through them from my God Himself. He is speaking a love language to me that I have never recognized before. And its changing my life. I want to thank all those around me, who let God communicate His love through them. This last year, especially in the last couple of days, you helped answer my question. For that I am so grateful!

So how do you ask your question? How does God answer it in the people around you?
Peace and grace to you!

God is big, we are small.

I have been listening to a lot of music...and the same thread that comes out of a lot of my music is the hugeness of God, and how small and weak we are in comparison. Let me give you a couple examples:

"My strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain
'I'm with you'"
~Casting Crowns, Praise You in this Storm

"I'm giving my life to the only One who makes the moon reflect the sun...
I'm giving my life to the only Son who was, and is, and yet to come."
~Chris August, Starry Night

"Indescribable, uncontainable, You place the stars in the sky and You know them by name...
All-Powerful, untameable, awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim,
You are amazing, God!"
~Chris Tomlin, Indescribable

"He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane and I am a tree,
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy."
~David Crowder Band, How He Loves

"Savior, He can move the mountains. Our God is mighty to save...
Forever, Author of salvation. He rose and conquered the grave; Jesus conquered the grave!"
~Jeremy Camp/Michael W. Smith/Hillsong United, Mighty to Save

"Would you dare, would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you been feeling can't compare to the joy thats coming...its just the dark before the morning."
~Josh Wilson, Before the Morning

"I've seen faith that moves the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling.
I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new...that's what faith can do."
~Kutless, What Faith can do

"When my world is shaking, Heaven stands.
When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands."
~JJ Heller, Your Hands

"How beautiful, the sound of all Your people in love with Something so much greater than themselves!"
~Matt Maher, Shine like the Son

"You alone have done great things, I can't boast of anything.
Mighty one, King of Kings, Jesus!"
~Matt Maher, Great Things

"Even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts rising, even when the storm comes,
 I am washed by the water."
~NeedtoBreathe, Washed by the Water

"Like the wind that moves the leaves
Lord, You move me to my knees
I believe in something way beyond myself."
~Newsboys, Way Beyond Myself

"Above all powers, above all kings, above all nature and all created things,
above all wisdom and all the ways of man,
You were here before the world began."
~Rebecca St. James, Above All

"Breathe, just breathe.
Take the world off your shoulders, and put it on Me."
~Ryan Star, Breathe

"He'll break open the skies to save those who cry out His name.
The One the wind and waves obey is strong enough to save you."
~Tenth Avenue North, Strong Enough to Save

"Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, thats all I am, right now I can barely stand,
if You're everything You say You are, would You come close and hold my heart?"
~Tenth Avenue North, Hold My Heart

Wow. God's pretty big...how does He show you His power?
Peace and grace to you! 

I'm thankful for...

So, considering its Thanksgiving day and all...it would be expected that I provide a long list of things and people I'm thankful for. And I suppose I'll shelve my spontaneity for a day and do so...but first I have to say 2 things. 1) My holiday this year was different because my family celebrated last night instead of today, so some of my list will probably be weird, and 2) Last year my sister asked my brother (who was stationed overseas) if they celebrated Thanksgiving in Hungary...gotta love her. ;)

1. Sara Gudde...for being a woman of God and setting this world and my world on fire...and I've only had the pleasure of knowing her for 6 months.
2. Emily "Louie" Kopff...for having inexhaustible joy and peace that suffocates any worry or stress I have. She is wise, graceful, humble, hilarious, an excellent example and testament of Christ to others. She has done more for me in our friendship than she knows.
3. Blankets, coats, and gloves
4. Hand lotion-it really hurts when my hands dry out in the winter!
5. The Mass-I have not made it to daily Mass all week, and it makes me sad. But the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist is something to be thankful for no matter the holiday.
6. Music-I just watched 4 episodes of Glee, and made 2 car trips in the last week. Music is an amazing way to experience life.
7. Family. Of course. That includes those I am related to by blood, marriage, and kindred spirits. I could attempt to do justice to my gratitude for family/friends/framily in about 3,950,398,092,349,283 blog posts...but it wouldn't be enough. :)
8. Long-ish hair. It keeps my neck warm.
9. Having a job.
10. Mama Mary. She's taken care of me, She has listened to me and come to my aid when I have needed Her most. She is working miracles in my life...and has been since long before I even noticed She was there. Thanks a lot, Mama.

Though, its a secular holiday, the whole idea of Thanksgiving really seems like a memorial to being a Christian. A day is set aside for the joyful, gracious, loving spirit of humanity to rein. Our lives are to be a response to the many gifts and graces God has bestowed upon us. We go out and make God's good world better because we thank Him for all He has done, and our actions show that. So Thanksgiving is, really, a day for everyone to appreciate and embrace the spirit that Christians adopt daily. Yesssss.
Good and gracious God, we praise You and thank You, for the holiday of Thanksgiving. Amen.

Fluffy Poets

‎"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." -- Robert Frost

 Ok, so I absolutely dig quotes. I found this quote on a random blog that I accidentally clicked on, and immediately had those gooey, fuzzy, head-rush happy feelings you get when you hear something cheesy...those instances where EVERY girl shamelessly (and guys in their head shamefully, I know it) says "AWWWWWWW...." etc. I posted it on facebook, wrote it down in several places and have gone out of my way to quote it to 6 people. At first glance, most of poets' work is based on that intense appeal to emotion; sorry, poetry-lovers/writers, but its true. However, I find that the quotes/poems I dig the most are the ones that proclaim the truth in a particularly eloquent way, one that makes you think about a certain truth a little differently. This one totally roundhouse-kicked my emotional brain though, and initially, I neglected to think about what it really says. There is an element of truth to it...but, and forgive me for critiquing Mr. Frost, its not said correctly.

Silly Robert Frost...love is not a feeling, its not even a strong desire. (As I've already stumbled through discoursing desires, check out 2 posts ago.) Love is a choice, a conscious action....a complete self-gift. I will agree with Bobby Frost; we all have "an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." Duh. Its...kinda what landed Adam with Eve in the garden. Its only the deepest longing of our hearts...to be loved. Its a wish for what we already know is real: that God jealously desires our hearts for His own. But Love is not that "irresisitable desire to be irresistibly desired." Love is our response to that "irresistible desire." So, props to you, Mr. Frost, but don't be so confusing next time... 

Peace and grace to you!

"No, really April. I got this!"

I cannot recall any brilliant theological, philosophical or intellectual insights that I pondered from this last week or so...so I'm just going to talk about my fabulous weekend, and what I think about it...

Well, it was SUPPOSED to start with a trip to pray/protest at Planned Parenthood on Saturday morning, followed by a 3-hr service project that involved 8 people in my CLC. Next, I was going to sneak over to K-State and visit some friends, who would remain completely ignorant of my presence in their midst until about 9:30 that evening...I knew that somehow my hostess and I would devise some deviously genius plot to dupe them all...
However, God had other things in mind. And we ALL know what happens when He gets ideas...Hawks for Life ended up not going to Planned Parenthood, my 3-hour, 8-man service project became a 1 1/2-hour, 4-man service project. And as for my devious surprise? Heh. Yeah...In hindsight, it may not have been the best idea to hide me from my Catholic friends in the 7 Dolors adoration chapel...but really, who could have guessed that the Holy Spirit would work through my friend's Pandora station, encouraging him to visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament in the same span of 45 minutes that I was there? If that wasn't divine Providence, then God doesn't exist...
So, major theme of the weekend: God's plans, especially the surprise ones, always are cooler than mine...I can promise you that telling His story about my friend ruining his own surprise is much funnier than my story about jumping out from around the corner shouting "surprise!" at RC McGraws. God's plans always seem to work out more smoothly too...and that baffles me. I put a lot of work into my plans...must be something to do with His all-powerful, divine omnipotence...

But more seriously. How awesome is it, to be someone who professes faith in a Being that is truly, All-powerful? SomeOne who controls every miniscule detail of our lives? How awesome is it to know that there is a beautifully perfect design in this seemingly chaotic existence that we continue to misunderstand, day after day?
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are My ways above your ways and My thoughts above your thoughts."
~Isaiah 55:8-9
 Coming from someone who left this weekend with several hilarious stories about pretty eyes, engineering jokes and caroling adventures with brownies, I'd say pretty darn awesome. :)

Peace and grace to you!

Desire...Good or Bad?

"You called, and shouted, and burst my deafness.
You flashed and shone, and scattered my blindness.
You breathed odors and I drew in breath—and I pant for You.
I tasted, and I hunger and thirst.
You touched me, and I burned for Your peace."
~St. Augustine, Confessions

What does it mean to truly desire something? To me, desire means feeling almost irrevocably drawn to something or someone. Some of us desire the opportunity for service: to be able to make this world a little better by our actions. College students often desire a vision for their lives. It would save us a lot of trouble if we simply had a career path laid out for us to follow, without this silly discernmet process that can really be quite a headache. A lot of us females desire a family, having kids, being married, sometimes we even just desire having a boyfriend. But in reality, I think that the desires we have for things here on earth are really products of our misguided search for God and His purpose in our lives. Earlier in IConfessions, St. Augustine talks about being distracted by and desiring things which "if they were not in [God] were not at all." He describes God calling and shouting, opening our eyes and ears in order to find Him, through the things of this world. Doesn't it make sense that God plants in our hearts a desire for Him and His will, since He knows what is best for us and what will make us happiest?

When people desire anything to an excessive degree, they immediately lose their peace of soul."
~Thomas A Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

My friend has told me about some recurring feelings she has for a mutual friend of ours. He is a good young man, a solid Christian keeper. But she doesn't understand why they won't go away, because she doesn't want to act on them and claims to not be at a stage in her life where dating/courtship is prudent. So are these desires of her heart wrong? While thinking about this, I remembered a question Father Jarrod Lies asked us once in a homily. He asked: "Where are your desires leading you?" And I think that is the more appropriate question.

In harmony with St. Augustine and Thomas A Kempis' words, I would say that genuine desires are not necessarily good or bad; they are simply the motivation of our hearts toward finding the presence of God. We look for love and peace wherever possible, and the multitude of broken hearts and unplanned pregnancies in this world result from trying to find it in the wrong places. The desire for love is not of itself good or bad; it is where we allow that desire to take us and what means we use to achieve the end of love that determines our "peace of soul." We might desire food when we're hungry, growth in a new friendship, a good grade on a test. We might find ourselves overwhelmed with desires for material things, for wordly success, for lust. But if we offer these desires up to God, He will lead us through them, because He knows that these things we seem to want are part of our search for His love. He knows that He is what we really desire.

Peace and grace to you!
April :)

PS-Comment please!